while the world is flying by

today i feel: panicked
today i'm hearing: cat stevens -- tea for the tillerman
today i'm thinking: i will never, ever pass college

First thing's first: Dark Knight is fuckin' gorgeous. Go see it. Right now. Don't even finish reading this; go see Batman. Srsly.

And now to the panicking.

I am never, ever, ever going to finish college. Ever.

So here's the deal, right? College is cool and all. I get to live more or less by myself. I've met some really cool people (some of whom I still get to see come August). I am relatively free from my parents and/or any problems going on at home. Some of the boys and girls are quite cute. I get to do theatre. College is a pretty sweet deal; please don't think I'm saying otherwise. But college, like most things in life, is swiftly growing tedious. I am so very over college. This, I think, is predominantly due to the fact that the majority of my close friends are older than I (surprise, surprise), and thus graduating before I do. An even greater majority of them are already graduated and living bright, promising, fulfilling lives elsewhere (and even if they think they're not, they are bright, promising, and fulfilling to me). And I'd really want to get in on that. That sounds like a much sweeter deal than this whole 'college experience' nonsense that, quite frankly, I'm kind of sucking at anyway, despite anything I may write in contrived thank you cards to Presidential Scholarship donors. I'm bored with college. I'm over college. I want to do something else.

Here is the danger of the American school system: most kids are in school from <Kindergarten (especially considering the growing number of working parents in the world) until they graduate college. Straight through. That is at least 17 years of schooling. Then some crazy fucks keep going! Grad School! Goodness! Wish I had that kind of dedication. However, this creates a bit of a problem: none of these kids know how to do anything else! Sure, you've got summer jobs and shit like that, but all we've been taught is school. All we know how to do is go to school. This, I believe, is what makes the whole 'real world' nonsense so fucking scary. It's a completely new monster.

I have been in school now for fifteen years. Almost three-quarters of my life has been spent in school desks, with books and homework and projects and teachers and everything else you do with school. And it's been a good time, for the most part. And I've enjoyed it, for the most part. And I've been really good at it, for the most part. I can do school. School and I are good. And now? Now I want to know if I can be good at something else. And this desire is growing inside me like a cancer to the point where all I want to do with be done with school.

So I'm trying to get out early. Graduate in December of '09. Go to Chicago. Try to work. Fuck up. See if there's anything else outside of school. See if I'm any good. See if all that nonsense about a 'promising future' is worth a damn. This desire consumes me. I don't think about it constantly, but it definitely fills in the cracks of the thing I think about constantly so that the thing I think about constantly has someone to discuss politics and drink tea with. Oh, yeah. They're becoming great friends. That's great. We should get on that then, yeah?

The problem is: prior to tonight? I thought I was a helluva lot closer to being done than I am.

Fuck.

Fuck me.

Fuck me with something hard and sandpaper-y.

I just want to be done, you know? I just want a break. I want some new drudgery to be bogged down with. I want rent money and groceries and squabbles and bills and cat shit and conflict and new jobs new places new things ANYTHING DIFFERENT FROM SCHOOL! Please! Jesus! Is it that hard?

I never thought I'd get tired of this. I mean, I like school, remember? I'm good at it. Somedays, it's the only thing I am good at.

Rationally speaking, I know I'm being unreasonable and that I'll do fine and get done and everything will be alright. But it's really hard to remember that right now.

Jesus. I'm a failure. I'm gonna go wallow somewhere.