today i feel: sleepy
today i'm hearing: bishop allen -- the broken string
today i'm thinking: there are too many decisions to make one
today i'm hearing: bishop allen -- the broken string
today i'm thinking: there are too many decisions to make one
I finally gave up on Bravo re-runs. I can't take The Real Housewives at this time of day.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Christmas is a very odd time for me. Despite the fact that everyone I know celebrates Christmas and loves Christmas (except for JPalm, but we talked about this a lot yesterday) and I was raised to rock out on Christmas, I find myself feeling very isolated around this time of year. I haven't really settled on any religious affiliation, to be honest, and I don't know if I will. I just know that Chanukah makes me much more comfortable than Christmas does, despite the fact that everyone includes me in their Christmas celebrations. I don't know. It's hard to feel at home on Christmas when I don't think that baby saved my soul and I know Santa Claus isn't real (thanks, Mum).
I do have some kind of cool 'Christmas traditions', though. Every year, Bozarth and I go see It's A Wonderful Life at the Normal Theatre. I know, I know, stereotypical. But it's nice, you know? And the movie's really pretty funny and I have to admit to having crushes on both Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. We make commentary and eat movie food and laugh and it's really nice. (Speaking of: Cranberry Splash Sierra Mist is really pretty tasty. I know! I was shocked, too!) That's what we did yesterday afternoon. ...Then we went to Best Buy and bought Venture Bros. Season One just so we could watch the Christmas special. We are odd ducks.
Every Christmas Eve, Stacy and I get together to bake cookies and watch movies. I think I love this tradition because of the fact that it was so damned difficult to get started. My mum thought the family should be together on Christmas Eve, probably because of all the religious connotations and stuff. But then I pointed out the fact that Da was at work and she gave in eventually. I still wonder why my mum likes me at all. Then there's our Christmas Eve Pizza Dinner (another tradition Mother is resistant to, though JPalm and I always win it) and midnight mass. I really don't like this last part, but this year I've managed to weasel my way out of mass at St Matthew's under the pretense of going to mass at Epiphany Catholic Church. In all honesty, Clarky and I are going to hear Bozarth sing, then probably high-tail it out of there to find someplace a little more secular, such as Steak 'n' Shake or someone's basement. Ah, heresy.
Finally, we always go see a movie on Christmas Day. For the past five years, we've gone with the Stuckey Family (some really old friends of ours who are always incredibly amusing and completely insane). Da and I finally conned Mum into Sweeney Todd and I'm pretty flippin' excited. It's a nice thing to have after a whole morning and afternoon of explaining to my grandmother that, no, I'm not in high school anymore and, no, Justin's still not getting married soon (top it off with Grandpa explaining the finer plot points of The Girls Next Door and the holiday is truly complete). This year, I've been invited over to the Bozarth house for a second Christmas dinner, but we'll just have to see how the grandparent situation is looking. I might not be able to escape.
Again, these are things I'm very, very fond of and I'm glad I have these celebrations. But I think I partake in these partially to escape being alone around Christmas. Holidays with my family have become really trying due to my grandmother's poor health and my grandfather's indifference. I've taken to giving an answer of, 'Don't ask,' whenever someone asks me how Thanksgiving/Christmas/Easter break went. Maybe it's because the more religious sides of these holidays have isolated me from the warmer feelings, or maybe I'm just getting sick of coming home, or maybe I'm just frustrated by my mother's inability to take action. All I know is that Christmas doesn't really mean much to me anymore.
And that's your Downer Debbie moment for the day.
Da's got something tasty-smelling and meaty that he's warming up for lunch and I think we might be catching a flick pretty soon. I'm checking out times for train tickets early next week and I'm looking forward to seeing old friends as soon as I can. Clarky gets back from Chicago today; Stacy from Florida some time soon after that. I've managed to run into Liesl and Katiemakespie and I'm really hoping they call me pretty soon. In the meantime, there's a kitten to look after and Da's cooking to eat, so things are looking up after all. I'm signing off for now.
1 comment:
Classic family xmas stories. Some parts of this holiday are good for me, but the going home to my family in wichita sounded a lot like your trials. My mother was a crazed catholic and the whole midnight mass thing was always out there.
For me this is a very old special day. It is winter solstice, an event that is real, measurable and about survival. The return of the day to our lives, a little at a time to mid-summer. It is the birth of the sun, but the sun, not some poor jewish kid in the roman province of israel run by their figurehead king and his need for supremacy in the face of the house of david. Still, one can see how this whole story came to hvae enormous psychic power.
But today we know the story, we know how the planets in our system work and how the seasons come to be and how we can work with them. And we have better heat sources so it's not so meaningful for us. We are not really an agrarian culture. You and I are not going to grow anything significant to our continued survival this year. The meaning of the solstice then has to come from our ancestral roots. And it has to include the xtian story, as well as all the northern european stories about santa nicklaus and the yule log and the tree. Remember, when you see a "xmas" tree you are seeing the Norse religion alive and well in our time. Most of what we think of as xtian xmas stuff came from the tree worshippers and the goddess lovers and those for whom Odin (read Gandalf Grayhame) is still the true father/brother/son figure from the old Osiris story. Everybody celebrates some version of solstice, on some level.
I like the jimmy stewart movie. Jimmy has always been one of my all time favorites. And I like Donna Reed very much. And you have friends and childhood memories and your brother and your family struggles along like all families.
Be happy, life goes on. Your life goes on, so does mine and those we are linked to by blood and by friendship and by love. Be well. The sun has come up again.
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