i got so old just wondering how

today i feel: pensive
today i'm hearing: the hold steady perpetually playing in my head
today i'm thinking: thought is overrated

Chelsea's sick again. Which means that she's sitting out her morning classes and she and Matt are still in bed. I don't know why Matt is a requirement, but I've come to accept the fact that he is. He's supposed to have an eleven o'clock class to go to, but I doubt he'll get up for it (lazy bastard that he is any time before 14.15). I'm trying to be quiet; really I am. It would be a lot easier to be quiet if I thought they were both asleep and not just laying in bed for the sake of staying warm and comfy (which I'm pretty sure is what's going on).

What? I know these guys pretty well. That, and Chelsea just leaned over to check her phone. What now?

I'm thinking about dropping out of counselling, for a little while at least. I'm not being defeatist or impatient or anything, I just don't think it's working. I've been moody and depressed and I keep snapping at people for no reason. That's not good, is it? I'm also getting stress acne really, really bad. I was talking to Randy last night and he brought up a really good point: whenever I'm acting really down, I say that I've had a bad week. And, from the sound of it, I've been having bad weeks for over a month now. I thought counselling was supposed to make you feel better; right now, I just feel worse. I know I need to talk about things--my relationship with my parents and last semester and all the shit that happened when I was a kid--and I want to, I really do. But I don't think I can just yet. I think it's all still too close. Anyway, I've been composing a letter to my shrink in my head and I think it's almost ready for me to send. I just hope she understands that this really isn't her; it's me.

Breaking up is hard to do.

Tomorrow's Yom Kippur. And the USITT Kickball tournament. I will probably pass out. I hope it's wonderfully dramatic for everyone there. Someone should have something exciting happen, right?

I think I'll have to conn Randy into watching Ed Wood this weekend with me. Maybe I'll bribe him with extra viewings of The Shield.

The Buttons are officially awake and talking real soft and companionably. I can't hear what they're saying (I gave up and finally threw on my headphones to actually listen to that damn song), but they're laughing a little and that's good. I don't get their relationship and I don't think I ever will. But as upset as I get at Matt for being a brat and Chelsea for letting him, there's definitely something going on with them and it seems easy enough. I guess that's enough, isn't it? If they're happy.

Ich lächele.