i'll sing what you like

today i feel: insecure
today i'm hearing: a mix tape with no track names. thanks, itunes.
today i'm thinking: thank god this week is over

It's Paige's nineteenth birthday! You should call her. And if you don't know Paige, you should wish that you did because she is cooler than anyone else you know. Unless you know that one guy. He might be cooler by a little bit.

My first week of classes is officially done and, for some reason, this has been the hardest week of school I can ever remember having. Which is strange. Usually, I like school. I like having a set direction to go, specific things that need to be done, a schedule I can follow. But the grind has been really, really difficult for me this time. The homework load has been unusually large; not that it's difficult stuff, there's just so much of it! And the dorm food is really fucking with my system. I've been having some stomach issues and some really outlandish shits (my new favourite phrase; sorry) and I'm breaking out in places I didn't even know I had. And it's so HOT. Like, outside. Not my appauling acne and outlandish shits. Those are not hot at all. But the temperature is. Right.

So, suffice it to say, I'm glad this week is over. I don't have anything to do tonight, and I'm intending to use the evening to catch up on a bit of work and hang out with Chelsea. Randy's out of town and Matt's kicked out for the evening, so it'll just be us. Which is good. I could use some time away.

I had a bit of a freak out last night. Chelsea told me earlier in the day that one of our friends had heard some trash-talking from the Theatre Department and I kind of wanted to check it out. So I talked to him. Which was a bit of a bad call. And because my iPod was out of batteries and my mind was in fits and I felt like I was going to cry, I went in my cubby and I refused to come out. It's kind of humbling that after nineteen/twenty years, I still have no idea how to behave like an adult.

See, it's like this. A while ago, I gave in to an impulse. I saw an opportunity and I knew what taking it would mean: a complete one-eighty. Not really changing myself, but changing my place in the universe and my relationships with some people in my life that I was really close with. I lost some friends. I separated myself from other friends. But I saw this opportunity and I thought, you know? This could be really good. This could be really good for me. And that was such a wonderful, novel idea that I had to take it. I jumped in and I didn't really consider the consequences because the things I really needed to know were clear and simple: once I do this, I can't turn back. Fair enough, right? Fair enough.

And you know what? I'm glad I did. I'm glad I took this impulse because I'm in such a better place. I'm happy where I am. Get that? Happy! Not confused, not frustrated, not constantly on the verge of wringing someone's neck: Happy! Do you know how great that feels? I finally made a decision that was really mine to make. And it's been a really good thing. It's felt so, so good. And while there are still things I don't understand and questions I need answering and shit like that, that's not all there is. And that's so wonderfully different, I can't even put it into words.

And now this person--this friend--tells me about people I know and respect (I don't know who, but I'm not really sure that's even important right now) questioning that decision and speaking ill of those involved in my decision. And that really, really hurts. Because I'm not a dumb kid. I did think this through, as little time as it took me. And the fact that people think I'm stupid enough to be with someone who treats me like shit, who only wants me as a piece of meat for lack of a better term...that's really insulting. I'd like to think I learned something from Freshman Wellness! And it's insulting that they think I don't care enough about the person I'm with to get insulted when they talk shit about him/her and call him/her names and say he/she is an idiot. I mean, what the fuck? You think stuff like that doesn't get around? You think shit like that isn't going to come back to haunt you?

I am an intelligent person. I understand people. I pay attention to what goes on around me. I notice things. And I have feelings. And when people I like and care about and think after imply that any of those things aren't true, that fucking hurts, you know? That's a terrible, terrible feeling. Why don't they understand that?

I just got a call from someone I used to know very, very well. I used to tell this person that I loved them more than anything. They were cold and formal. What the fuck is wrong with the world?

Sometimes I miss my old anonymity. Today, though, I'm missing old friends.