the lord ain't got no humour

today i feel: happy
today i'm hearing: friendsteve's beauteous voice
today i'm thinking: red baron pizza does not satisfy

It's a pretty quiet night here in Carbondale. Chelsea's Matt is off doing God knows what and Randy's hanging out with some friends so Chelsea and I are just kind of hanging. I'm currently trying to convince myself that I should get in the shower. While the need is present, the desire is not. Damn!!

I finally found out what shows I've got for the season! They're not quite 'official' yet, so I can't post anything publicly (keeping it on the down-low, yo), but I got the shows I want and that's fantastically exciting. There may have been some seat-wetting. Just saying.

Labor Day weekend is coming up really soon! I'm hoping to get to Champaign to see Paige and her family, but I'm having some transport issues as of right now. Ticket prices are astronomical right now and I'm in the red budget-wise. Hopefully, Chelsea will be going to Mattoon to see her sister and I can bum a ride with her. If nothing else, I'll hitchhike. It's really hard not seeing close friends for a long time. I don't like it. I don't like it at all.

My parents decided to give me some 'adult experience' and made me buy my own textbooks, which effectively cut my entire summer earnings (and consequently my entire bank account) in half. Then there came additional costs: things to get settled in, food, more books, supplies, etc. The other day I took some money out of a hole-in-the-wall to find that I have...less than two-hundred dollars to my name. For the rest of the semester. Well, fuck. And Mum's being really passive-aggressive about helping me out: one of those, 'Oh, yeah, we can help...oh, by the way, we just dropped eleven-hundred dollars to get the car fixed!' Shit, man. I know that my folks aren't going to be watching out for me forever and they've got lives, expenses, etc. too, but...they're not paying for me to go to college. And they're not paying for my room or board. They're not paying for anything. Are books really such a burden in the grand scheme of things?

I hear all this shit about making college affordable: offering grants and scholarships and rewards for everything from sexuality to parentage. But wouldn't it be better to focus on the little things that inevitably add up? Wouldn't it be better to make sure that used, dog-earred books aren't 100$???

Yes. A used book. $100. I about shat myself. The $90 workbook (which is completely unrefundable) and $50 make-up kit didn't help that at all.

So I'm trying to be conscious about my spending. But there are things you need, you know? Teachers seem oblivious to the fact that these books and supplies are so goddamned expensive and that's really frustrating. I keep getting things added to the list of shit I need for class and I'm about ready to throw in the towel and say fuck the whole thing. I can't afford college. Why do you think I'm going to the cheapest uni in the state? Why do you think I was so excited about that fucking scholarship? I'm taking as many classes as I can to get out of here in time so I don't owe loans, but that just means there's no time I can work. I'm doing all of these volunteer activities and working really hard to keep my grades up so I don't lose my scholarship, but that cuts into time I can do homework. It never stops! There's no way to balance any of this and no one who wants to hear anyone else's bitching.

Gah. I really wish the shrink hadn't been sick this week.