i think we're headed for a bad time

mood: troubled
music: everclear -- brown eyed girl
CPCetc: go on, kid. grow a pair.

As per usual, here is your awkward situation of the day (likely to be first of many):

I was talking to Paige last night and I decided that I'd ask my mentor where I could go on campus for counselling. Now, before any of you start with the concerning friend thing, let me explain. This is not because Kiri is in shite right now and doesn't know how to get out of it. If it was just shite that's going on right now, I'd deal with it and it wouldn't be a big deal. Yes, the current shite is a factor, as one would expect, but it is not solely that shite. There're a lot of things, deep-seeded past-life kind of things, that I've never dealt with fully that are really fucking me up. I've been thinking about counselling for a long time and now I actually have an opportunity to get it from someone I don't actually know. How's that for convenient?

But back to the awkwardness.

My plan was to go find said mentor in her office after class and get some quick directions and all would be well. I'd know where it was and just have to wait until I grew a pair to actually go talk to them. Sounds great. I can do that. However, life does not go how I want it to go ever and my mentor was not in her office. Rather, she was outside smoking with another one of the faculty. But that's okay because he has to deal with all these insecure, melodramatic uni students too and it won't affect him, right? No big deal.

...Except for the classmates I walked out with. Who were right next to me.

So I decided to fuck it all and asked my mentor where I could go get counselling. And suddenly, I was the only person at all interesting in the entire world. And my mentor looked at me like I'd told her I was pregnant and one of my classmates totally freaked out (or as near to freaked out as he can get) and the other girl was automatically saying, 'Oh, honey, come with me; I've got an appointment today' and it was a great big mess.

Oy vay.

I got directions and it wasn't too bad, honestly, but I'd really prefer for all of this to have been done in private and I could just take care of it and no one would need be any wiser. This is kind of a big deal to me and I really would rather not fuck it up. But I guess I have, to an extent. But, still. I did it. That's what counts, right?

I just haven't been feeling like much of anything recently. And that scares me. I'm so used to high-highs and low-lows (leaning more toward the high-highs than the low-lows) and being able to brush things off after a mild freak-out and that's not happening. I would give anything to be freaking out right now. But I'm not. I'm getting by and I hate the fact that that's what's going on and I hate the fact that when I say I'm 'getting by' everyone thinks that's a good thing. It's not. I'd rather be wanting to kill myself than just 'getting by'. Feeling awful is better than feeling nothing at all.