slept like a bucket of snow

mood: lost
music: gordon lightfoot -- if you could read my mind
CPCetc: fade, fade, fade away

I feel so completely unmotivated today. It's not even funny.

I climbed into bed last night and I couldn't get to sleep. I just couldn't. So I rang up Matt and talked to him for a while and curled up in a little ball and forced myself to leave for a while. I climbed out of bed around eleven this morning. Still haven't woken up.

I have a lot to do today. I have to write a paper for speech on what communication model best represents interactions in a television show or film. Bennett said that the assignment was null and void. I hate it when teachers say that. I also have to read a play and fill out a response log, read a chapter of speech and take notes so I actually remember the damn thing and read the Hymn to Apollo. Which I just realised. I was figuring I'd write the paper now and read the play after my laundry was done so I wasn't completely distracted. I'd worry about Trenholm and mythology tomorrow. Only problem is, I have no idea how to start this damn paper. I have no will to pick up Joe Orton. I haven't even bothered to take a shower.

So this completely sucks.

I hate being in a slump. Any kind of slump, but especially this one. I don't want to get up in the morning, I don't want to go to bed at night. My fingernails taste like tobacco because I keep sneaking cigarettes and my room seems like it's a complete mess even though it has never been this clean. Ever. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to really talk to anyone, either. A few people, yes, but I don't want to interact with anyone down here. I just kind of want to...disappear, I guess. And it's dreadfully annoying because all I can think is that I'm being completely ridiculous and there's no reason to feel this way and why can't I just get over it for Christ's sake?

I went to my first Shabbat last night. I didn't know any of the songs. I didn't know any of the prayers. I can't read Hebrew. I was the only blonde in the room.

Nothing fits right now. I don't fit right now. And as much as I want to go home next weekend, I don't want to try and go anywhere. I know I'll feel better being someplace with people I can actually talk to like me and not like The Spastic Girl in Room 303 but I know I'll be miserable coming back here. And I know that I'll try to fix things that likely can't be fixed, right now or ever. I know exactly what I need right now: what I need to do and think and have in order to get away from this complete insignificance. But that's something I don't have and can't have. I don't know if I'll ever have it at this rate.

I have to go to the doctor on the 29th. I'm missing a whole day of classes for it. That's really not a good feeling for me. It's the day before a test in mythology and I hate missing classes at all. So I have to go talk to my teachers, including the ones I haven't met yet, and try to pick up as much homework as possible. I'm really scared. I don't know what's going on down there and that's the most terrifying feeling in the world. And this isn't something I can talk about with Mum and Da because, ha ha, they don't know much about what happens down there! Thankfully! And I'd go talk to Matt but that's probably crossing a line and I'd go talk to Paige but she's miles away and I just don't know what to do. I know it's illogical of me. I know I'm being paranoid. But I remember two summers ago. I don't want to go back to that place. I don't even want to think about it.

Shit. This isn't me. I'm so scared...

I wish it was two months ago. I wish I was watching Everything Is Illuminated with Matt while he was falling asleep and getting ready for Lollapalooza and worrying about Da going to Oklahoma with my grandparents. I wish I was bumming money off of Paige for chicken teriyaki and fighing with Mum and I wish I was seventeen again. I don't want to be a grown-up anymore. Someone else can do it; I'm done. I'm not cut up for this job. I just want things to be how they're supposed to be again. I just want to be how I'm supposed to be again. Not like this. Not cold and hollow and uncaring.

We're slipping off the map.