today i feel: outside
today i'm hearing: rachel's -- 4 or 5 trees
today i'm thinking: i'm doing something horribly wrong
today i'm hearing: rachel's -- 4 or 5 trees
today i'm thinking: i'm doing something horribly wrong
I need to get my ass in gear and re-acclimate.
I've decided that's my main issue in life right now. I am not re-acclimating to my current environment. I'm pretty sure this is no one's fault but my own, but it is an issue none-the-less, and one I'm not entirely sure how to resolve. I spent so much of the summer being bored and sad and lonely so that now, when there are always people around and things to do and stuff to entertain me, the bored, lonely, sadness is perpetuated to a ridiculous degree. It has become a habit. It is my chosen drug. Because I feel safe being bored and lonely and sad. I don't like it, oh no. I'm not that big of a masochist. But I don't want to leave it. I don't want to become comfortable. And I don't know why that is.
And I'm noticing this is having an effect on my daily life. For example, I was assigned a reading on Monday I have yet to really complete. I just don't want to. I have no interest in it. I know it's important and I know I need to do it for class. But I just can't do it. When I start to work on it, I fall asleep or I get distracted or I can't get my mind to shut up long enough for me to just sit down and read the damn thing. I don't know why that is.
For example, my eating habits are getting habitually worse. I think this has a great deal to do with the overall effort it takes to go and get 'real food' (heavy quotes, since it is dormitory dining). In order to get 'real food', I have to go down three flights of stairs and walk half a block to the dining hall, swipe my card, fight through the line, actually get the damn food on the plate, get out of the food area without someone crashing into me and spilling shit everywhere, find a place to sit, etc. Then there is the added stress of talking to whomever it is I happen to be sitting with because if I just go by myself, I am obviously suicidal. And sad. Which I already knew, but that is not an allowed image to convey at college. This whole talking-to-people thing is MORE than reason enough for me to not want to go get dinner. If I can avoid socializing with more than five people (especially if they are not pre-established friends) at the same time, then fuck! I'm gonna do it! Why do you think I don't go to parties? Social situations are flippin' petrifying!
It doesn't help that one of the people I am most often at dinner with is my roommate's younger brother who is, for whatever reason, completely terrified of me. I think this has a great deal to do with the fact that Chelsea is forever saying things like, 'I hope Kiri doesn't get mad at me for doing this' (a statement she has WILLINGLY admitted to saying quite, quite often). I'm not used to people being scared of me, especially not when those people are 6'7" or taller and MALE. I mean, I'm not scary. I'm not scary by ANY stretch of the imagination. Yet, for some reason, he is obscenely wary of my every move, word, thought. What the fuck am I supposed to say to this kid? 'Super-sorry dude, I promise not to beat you with a rusty umbrella'?? I mean, shit! I can't work like this.
Is it so wrong to want to just sit in your room and listen to music all day?
I don't know. I know I'm an absolute mess right now. I'm still trying to deal with things that have been pestering me for the better part of a year. I'm still trying to get a full night's sleep. I'm still trying to accept the fact that the people who practically raised me are about to die (which is causing me a VAST number of existential crises, particularly when I'm trying to fall asleep {see #2 above}). And all the while, I'm trying to remember that this, too, shall pass and it's a transitionary time and soon I'll be in the promise land with all those I love the most (except my folks, who will hopefully have moved to the promise land of Denver and be drinking mojito's with Paige's mum) and that things have to get worse before they get better, that's just how life is. But at the same time, I feel like all this is pointless. And stupid. And kind of cruel.
And the IRS is threatening to audit me for 'an electronic filing error'.
And the grad students are treating me like shit for being young.
And my best friend is over there or up there or far away.
And I'm down here.
And that whole bored, sad, alone thing is just getting thicker and thicker the longer I'm here.
And I just don't want to be nice right now. Or meet new people. Or do new things.
Is there a pill for that?
I used to write interesting, clever things. I used to be entertaining. Now I'm just...blah.
BLAH.
2 comments:
It is hard to see one's own work from an objective viewpoint, but frankly my dear, you still write interesting, clever things. You entertain me, immensely, as you do my Number One Daughter. You see these feelings, this time, as somehow a discrete occurrence in being, but the fact is that existential orb is generally the path taken, at least by those of us who are looking seriously in the mirror, trying to see the dim other side of it all. Darling girl, do at least try and eat some "real food" on occasion. Do not blame young men for their fear of beautiful, weird witchy girls such as yourself. Just exhale and remember that this young man, and yourself, will all be breathing the same air in twenty years, hopefully, a little wiser. Or not. It is a personal choice, this seeking understanding thing. Well. What can I say? We just got back from new england and are glad to be in our wonderful house. Piper requested "Charlie Chan in Shanghai" for her movie and we watched about half of it while eating apple sticks and caramel sauce from mickey D's that we stopped at in Kankakee whilst driving home from Midway. I haven't spoken with the Paige girl in a week, but Dan and I today discussed plans for when she is here next week. Wish you could come up, but sounds like you've puhlenty to do. And tomorrow Obama tells us who his VP is going to be. I wish I still lived in spfld. By golly, I'd go.
Buck up, Darling Kiri. Life will be both interesting and a terrible pain, by turns. As a Chosen Girl, you should be a lot more masochistic. I, on the other hand, grew up catholic and worry about such things. The pope rewards the masochistic, you know. Not me, of course. Adieux for now. Tim
It's really lame that you don't update your blog anymore.
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