today i feel: sick to my stomach
today i'm hearing: the fan above my head
today i'm thinking: long weekends are going to be the death of me
today i'm hearing: the fan above my head
today i'm thinking: long weekends are going to be the death of me
Kickapoo's over now. It was pretty cool. I met some really interesting Natives and learned quite a bit about their culture. They're cool people. I think they've got a much better idea of what's going on than we do. They've discovered a balance that most European-Americans seem to lack. They're in touch with whatever's going on up there. Wish I had that going for me.
On that note, I'm going to make a slightly hypocritical switch. Super-sorry.
I'm getting really tired of resentment. I've discovered recently that jealousy isn't so much my downfall (as I had suspected it), but resentment is. For example, if someone manages to do something that I've always wanted to do or obtain something I always considered to be 'rightfully' mine, I find myself a slightly jealous, yes. But I resent them for their success. Maybe it's the same thing; I don't know. But it feels different to me. Jealousy to me means pouting. Resentment means violence and cruelty. Honestly, I'd much rather have the jealousy.
There's someone I know (and if you're reading this, don't worry; it's not you) who found a way to get into a part of my life that I feel is sacred. It wasn't something they meant to do or probably realised they were doing, but they did it. They snuck in. And I saw it all happen and I was so scared of it while I was watching. And I was incredibly trepidatious and I told others of my trepidation to no avail. It's not going to happen, they assured me. You're imagining things. But it did happen. Just as I said it would. And that was heartbreaking. And now, whenever I see this person, I feel a loathing for them that they probably don't deserve. I've tried to stop this feeling and calm down and let it go, but I can't. Because, as much as I say I don't, I do hold grudges. And I hate that about myself.
This person brings back all sorts of horrible feelings that I want to get rid of. I feel my insides start to shake. It kind of freaks me out. I'm sick of resenting people. I'm sick of resenting them. I just don't know how to stop.
I wish someone would decide to quit lying to me and just tell me that I'm right. Maybe then this anger will subside. Or maybe not. Maybe I should take a leaf out of the Natives' book and go find somewhere where I can get in touch with the Creator and come to terms with my anger: use it, wield it, find someplace for it to go. It'll consume me if I don't, you know?
It's just hard to find direction for things when the things that need directing supposedly don't exist. But if they don't exist, why do they burn me so much?
3 comments:
If I had a slightly more specific idea of who you were talking about, I would love to make a over-generalized judgment on your innermost nature. Unforunately, I don't.
Re: resentment-- lady, join the club. Do you know who you're talking to? Seriously? Having known you now for a long-ass time, I feel quite justified in slapping you via cyberspace. Kiri, one of your biggest personality graces/flaws/traits is that you are one of the least judgmental people I've ever met. You barely ever get angry at the people you love and when you do it's for some seriously legit reasons. If somebody has fucked you over, it's a rational human response to get pissed off at them. Plus, I'm guessing that what you're referring to, if it's what I think it is, only happened recently. You can't hold a grudge unless you've held it for-fucking-ever. Being angry is not the same thing as holding a grudge.
Side note: resentment is when you feel like you've been used or taken advantage of in some way. Jealousy is when someone gets something that you wanted-- where you start to resent them is when you feel like they didn't deserve it and you did. You can resent having to pay for someone to eat lunch or having to pick up after your roommate-- you're not jealous of them, but they're using you and you know it and it pisses you off. So, honestly, resentment isn't entirely a bad thing. And it's quite different from being jealous.
i used to have this exact image of myself, in my head. any time i did/said/felt something regretted, this image of my cut right into my head- i would casually put a gun to my temple and blow my brains out. pretty fucked up! i hated that image and worried about what it said about me. i wanted it out of my head, and could anyone blame me? fighting it out of my thoughts never worked, so i just started to notice the image, the feelings it evoked in me whenever i saw myself commit suicide in my head. and then i let all of these things go.
i only can call up that image as a memory now. miracles! overthinking my problem indulged the same problem, as dangerous as wallowing in my unhappy image. not that i'm saying i didn't come to some useful wisdom in contemplating that particular problem, but it must be the curse of intellectuals to think too much.
the trick for me was to realize (or maybe decide) that i am not my thoughts. sometimes some weird shit bubbles up in my mind, and i wonder where hell it came from. sometimes i think ugly, and i waste little time on that, having little time for unhappiness. and then i think divine.
so, if you want to call this a point, my own humble advice is this: do not pace; the groove in your floor will only get deeper.
e
r
i
k
also, i'm back from a couple days in chicago, so if you're feeling better, and i do hope you are, we should definitely kick it!
your pal,
erik (again)
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