and we never let the bastards get us down

today i feel: awkward
today i'm hearing: hello saferide -- i thought you said summer is going to take the pain away
today i'm thinking: why is something always off?

I should go to bed. I've been tired and headachey more or less all day and I know that this can be fixed by (omg) sleeping. But I'm restless (as usual) and crampy (fuckin' female body) and sleep isn't really gonna happen and Palahniuk is looking kind of unappetizing.

I've decided that Chuck Palahniuk is an acquired taste. I'm not sure if I've acquired him yet or not. Maybe his novels are different. I mean, I'm enjoying his essays, but I'm just not...psyched about them? I don't know. I'm an idiot.

There's an empty space. I don't know what it is and I don't know why it's here, but I can't get over the feeling that there's an empty space. Right in my gut. And it's driving me crazy. Something's got to fill it, right? I just haven't found (or re-found, which is always possible) whatever is supposed to go there. Day at a time, day at a time.

I've been listening to The Decemberists a lot recently, in particular Eli, the Barrow Boy. This probably accounts for a good amount of my recent restlessness. I want to learn it on mandolin and play it at the Renn Faire.

And we watched our separate lives in backwards motion, so we ended up connected at the sides.

I miss Paige. I'm glad I get to see her soon.

I've been hanging out a lot with Mo and Paul, my godparents (the ones I see about twice a year despite the fact that they only live a mile away from my house). They're really cool people: laid back, relaxed about life. Again: they have a better idea of what's going on than I do. I like hanging out with people who know more about the universe than I do, especially when the things they know are good things. Sometimes (most times? All times?) I feel like I know too much about the universe, especially the bad, scary parts. I don't like that. I wish I didn't. I wish that I was like other kids my age. Sometimes.

Well. Looks like my filter is turned off tonight. That's groovy.

BTown is so fucking stagnant. I can't breathe here. I think part of it is living in my parents' house and being limited by the rules that entails. Maybe if I had my own place (a sanctuary), it wouldn't be so bad. But this just isn't a place to live when you're too old for the miniature golf and Children's Discovery Museum and too young to get into the bars and the places where good music is performed. Not that I can actually think of where that happens. But you get the general idea.

I love Mo and Paul's house. I think if I did end up in BTown, that's where I would want to live. That, or Neal's apartment. Which is cool. And I have an apartment crush on. I need someplace with nooks and rounded doorways. I need balance. Where the fuck did all of my balance go??

I can't wait for Jubilee. For Chicago. For school to start. I'm living in transition. Do you know how frustrating that is?

I'll be twenty in less than two months. When is this whole 'life' thing supposed to start? Did I miss my exit? Did it show up already, somewhere in the awkward years of my childhood, somewhere between my brother's madness, my uncle's death, losing my religion? Have I been in the middle of it this whole time and completely unaware of the fact?

There are angels in your ankles. There's a low moon caught in your tangles. Homer Wells, twenty-one, breathing in the steam from the hot tea, sat waiting for his life to begin.

I think my shrink lied to me about the depression. Fuckin' A.