life is hell

today i feel: strange, i guess
today i'm hearing: a new and terribly appropriate mix tape from randy
today i'm thinking: let's go back a while, please?

I'm a very bad friend right now. And I'm saying this mostly to Christie. I'm really sorry. I really, really am.

Life's not going very well for me right now. You've probably guessed that from the emo blog posts and lack of returned phone calls. I don't really know what's going on and I don't really know what I'm doing. I just know that I keep pulling really stupid shit without realising how terrible of an idea it is until it's too late. I think I need to just retire from life for a while, in all honesty.

Basically what happened is this: Randy and I have been having a lot of problems. He's scared of the committment involved in a relationship and he keeps wanting 'space'. I keep feeling like he's pushing me away, so I hold on tigther. This just creates more problems. So we decided we would take a couple steps back and just keep doing what we've been doing without all of the relationship fluff. I wouldn't stay over; we wouldn't be together all of the time; we wouldn't have sex. But we were still going to kiss and hang out a lot and things like that. At least, that's what I thought. Apparently, Randy thought differently. He thinks we're 'just friends' right now, which I didn't think was the case. It's all very Degrassi and sophomoric and pointless and, honestly, just hell. But the basic point is that everything's changed really fast. And I'm just not grown up enough to deal with it.

So I've been doing really dumb stuff instead. Drinking entire bottles of wine, beating walls, smoking, hanging around in places I shouldn't be. And crying. I've been doing a lot of that. It's ridiculous and I am very much ashamed. It's just that I'm feeling very helpless to what's going on. And I'm feeling like I'm not worth his effort and that's why he's doing this. And I've been hearing from everyone I know that it's not my fault and I shouldn't think that and he's just an idiot and I'm so sick of hearing it, I could scream. Because hearing that you're 'better than all this' doesn't make 'all this' any better, so why bother?

Earlier today, Chelsea was cuddling me while I was crying and told me it was okay. And I told her that it wasn't so she shouldn't bother saying that it was. And that's how I've been feeling ever since this happened.

I just got to figure all of this out before I try to sort everything else out. And I don't want to sort this out, which only makes this harder. I just want to go back a couple of weeks and try everything out again. But I can't do that. And that really, really sucks. But I got to figure it out pretty soon, or I'm going to lose him even more, not to mention a whole lot of other people. I think the first step is going to be learning how to keep myself from crying when certain songs come on. I just need you to bear with me, guys. Don't tell me that I'm better than all of this, because it's my life right now and I have to overcome it, not look down on it. Just remember that I'm in here somewhere, underneath all of the toxic self-hatred.

I hope I'll see you on the other side.