how can i repay you?

today i feel: gross
today i'm hearing: los campesinos! -- we throw parties, you throw knives
today i'm thinking: far too much

Someday it will not be 80F in the shade. It'll be 79! Ha ha ha oh...God.

Today I gave my first tour in four months. After reassuring my collected party that I have never fallen on a tour in my life, I proceeded to get my toe caught on an ill-placed hunk of cement, took a triple-axle and barrel rolled. Onto my face. It was...spectacular. My da says he wished he could've seen it. To video tape it. My dignity will never recover. Ach so.

I don't want to go see my counsellor. I don't want her to tell me that I'm unsuccessful in romantic relationships. I don't want her to ask me about my family life. I don't want to cry. I know these things will happen though and Randy will get mad at her again and I'll be right back where I started.

I was having good weeks. I was having really good weeks. Then I had this week. And it's been all downhill since Tuesday.

I've recently lost the interest in doing pretty much everything. I think this might have something to do with the fucking yeast infection I've somehow developed (which sucks sucks sucks sucks SUCKS). But there's this nagging thought in the back of my mind that says I've joined the rest of my generation in developing chronic depression. That, however, is something I really don't want to think about right now. So I'm not. Sort of.

More and more I keep wishing that things would go back to the way they used to be. The problem is, I don't know which way that is.

I think life was simpler before I discovered sex. I'm not saying it's a bad thing because I think sex is great. I just feel like things made a lot more sense before I started down that road. Boys were boys and they were all-right; they did interesting things some times. Girls were pretty but I could never tell them that or else the boys at school would make fun of them. So I didn't. And it was okay. I had friends and they were only friends and that was good.

Sometimes I feel like if I never met Bozarth, my hormones would never have set in. I probably wouldn't have this appaulling tendency to develop crushes on my close friends. No, I don't feel bad for saying this. He blames all of his relationship problems on me. It's fair.

Christ. I just want things to be simple. Is that too much to ask?