she says it hurts, but it's worth it

today i feel: sick
today i'm hearing: the throbbing in my head
today i'm thinking: i wish i could disappear

I hate people so fucking much.

I was walking through the woods after class and I was feeling kind of awful. We'd been discussing the 'euthanisation' of the mentally and physically handicapped in the Third Reich: how they were taken away on buses and trains and gassed in the basements of asylums. There was some seriously graphic footage in the video we were watching and it had gotten to me, I'll admit it. You can't see a kid no older than you getting fed milk through a tube in his nose without feeling a little fatigued. And I was thinking how easy it is to manipulate people and how terrible things like that are and I was starting to get really upset about it.

Then I noticed the trees.

It was the perfect time of day and the sun was streaming through them, making everything white and hazy. And I could hear the birds and animals flitting about, getting ready to come out and eat. And I started thinking about life and beauty and things like that, how Rosh Hashana would start in a couple of hours and how wonderful that would be: a fresh start, you know? A chance to make things right again. That sort of thing. And the sun was coming through the trees and making patterns on my jacket. And it was incredible. I was at peace.

Then I heard yelling. And laughing. And saw this group of kids--probably freshmen, but they looked much younger than me--stomping through the woods, coming back from McDonald's. They were yelling and running and throwing their litter all over the ground and harrassing the squirrels and I kept thinking that this--this--is what's wrong with our country, our society, our sad little world. Because these are the kind of people that made it possible for all of that terrible shit to happen. They're the rich kids who picked on you in school, who called your best friend a dyke and made fun of the deaf kids for 'talking funny' and belittled people for being different. And it wasn't a very good thing to think, especially not when it's almost Rosh Hashana and you're supposed to be looking up, but I couldn't help thinking it and I couldn't help wishing that more people got abortions sometimes and I know it's cruel but it's honest, isn't it? Because that kind of bigotry and carelessness and disrespect for your fellow creatures is where hate crimes and domestic violence and fucking Nazis are born, isn't it? Isn't it?

I'm speaking irrationally, I know. But sometimes it takes a little melodrama to prove a point that needs to be addressed.

The worst sin you can commit is destroying something beautiful: be that nature, art, or a human life. Disregard is the greatest shame. Disrespect is the highest dishonour.

I should've stayed in bed today.