will shine someday

today i feel: sad
today i'm hearing: andrew bird -- armchair apocrypha
today i'm thinking: being a terrible person really isn't too bad

I've started trading music with one of the grad students. I should have started this ages ago.

Paige's da was asking me about the VT shootings that happened a couple days ago. He asked me if any of my friends at college had violent boyfriends or if there were people that made me worry about that happening where I am. I didn't know how to answer the question, so I put off answering it. Sorry, Tim. I did.

Monday night I started having a low-grade temperature. Nothing too serious--99.6--but way higher than my body is normally at. And I was achy and kind of dizzy and I'd been trying to catch something for quite some time. When I woke up Tuesday morning with the same issue, I kind of decided to ignore the fact that I felt like shite and go to class. Which was probably a bad call, but that's beside the point. Being sick puts me in a very pensive state of being. And when I'm sick, it's okay to be pensive. I come up with some pretty good stuff.

I was walking back from my voice lesson, and I saw this group of people walking through New Campus. They were all wearing matching t-shirts and chained together; a girl from my German class was actually leading the group. This kid ran up to me and handed me a flyer, which I dutifully read. Apparently it's 'Justice Week'. They're trying to spread awareness about human trafficking and modern slavery. A very good cause. I can support their efforts. So I read this pamphlet, and I started to think. There was some comment made about 'Does God care anymore?' And that kind of set me off.

Everyone seems to turn to God as a scapegoat when something goes wrong. Why doesn't he care about me anymore? How could this happen to me, a God-fearing person? No one seems to understand that God doesn't have anything to do with it. It's not his fault these things happen; it's the doings of men. People enslave other people; people go mad and shoot other people; people ignore the warning signs until it's too late and something tragic happens. Not God or the gods or what have you. Now, I identify myself with the Jewish people. When someone asks me if I go to church, I say no because I'm Jewish. I believe in a higher power; I believe in Yahweh. That's how I roll. But I also believe that he's not going to give me anything I can't handle. Sure, things get really rough sometimes and I don't know what to do, but I know I'll get through it. I know that I can accept change and help my fellow men and grow stronger if I need to be stronger and humbler if I need to be humbler and I'll be okay. I know I'll be okay. Maybe that's why I'm Jewish: so much shit has been thrown at the Jewish people over the years, and yet they perserveer. Across time and space, their traditions are virtually unchanged. And that's incredible to me.

Then I lost that train of thought for a little while. And I started thinking about what happened at VT and my heart really goes out to all those hurt by what happens. And, yes, maybe I am scared of that happening in a distant kind of way. The same way I was afraid of Columbine copycats and things like that. I'm scared for my friends in Virginia (and, yes, there are a few of them) and I hope and pray that all those directly affected find peace and answers and a way of moving on. But I realised that when one of your best friends is in a state of emotional trauma and your temperature is a digit over what it really ought to be, it's hard to look further than your own backyard. No, it's not as big, but there's still a helluva lot of turds in it.

At first, I felt like a terrible person for thinking that. But then I realised that you can't live in fear all the time. You can't always feel guilty that your life isn't as tragic as the next guys. Sometimes it's okay to be selfish and it's okay to focus on your own problems and fix them first, before you try going after all those bigger fish that need frying. It's okay. And I decided that this wasn't the week for me to be worrying about modern slavery. And that was really okay. Because I can still comfort a girl who's crying after class, and I can still take care of my best friend and I can still buy a bloody Big Issue off a vendor in Cambridge and you know what? Those things are all important, too. You don't have to pickett to be an activist. And you don't have to save all the whales to have a heart. Sometimes, you just have to turn to the person next to you, and say that you're happy they're alive. I wish someone would have done that for Cho Seung-Hui.

I guess what I'm saying is that you've got to pick your battles carefully, and fighting them all won't solve anything. You've got to learn to not take advantage of someone's emotions. You can't be stingy with love. Brotherly love, even. The Christians say that you ought to love your neighbour. Not bad advice. Jesus was a Jew, after all. Can't be all that bad.

Everyone deserves a second chance at things. Everyone deserves to have at least one instance of unconditional love. The world would be such a better place if we all would just learn to watch out for each other. And while I can't go back in time and stop what happened at VT, and while I can't stop human trafficking or cure AIDS or bring Matthew Shepherd back to life, I can still tell someone that it's okay to cry. I can still be there for you. For all of you. I know now that I'm a good person, even if I'm not perfect. And that's good enough for me.

Tim, I'm sorry if this doesn't answer your question. I'm not sure that I have one. Maybe next time. I hope all of you are safe and well. I hope you all can find time today to smile at a stranger. Take care of yourselves. Take care of each other.

With all my love,
Kiri