whisper words of wisdom

today i feel: misplaced
today i'm hearing: vega 4 -- life is beautiful
today i'm thinking: it's time to run away

I had an epiphany in German class today. It was a really great one, too. And for a moment, I knew exactly what to do in regards to various things I've been trying to sort out. Unfortunately, as soon as I had it my teacher did something amusing and delightful and I forgot all about it until class was over. At which point I swore rather loudly and received a severe look from one of the older professors. Come on, dude. You know it sucks when that happens.

I really think I should change my major. I love theatre, I really do. And I realise it's tech week and I've been bitching about that quite a bit (though not as much as usual, which surprises me) but I really do enjoy what I do. What's more, I enjoy the fact that I can come to school and learn about something I really do care about and not have to go in debt over it. Super-win. But I feel like I owe G-d or The World or someone/thing more than just a good show. I feel like I should go into counselling. I don't know. I read people really well. I just do; I can accept that about myself. And I can help fix issues so long as they're not my own. I don't think I could ever be a psychiatrist, though, because I refuse to put people on mood stabilisers. Too close to that kind of situation to support it. I think I might be a good counsellor, once I learned to detach myself from the problems people have enough that they don't destroy my own life. I suppose there will always be that one case, though, that one you can't get out of your head. Don't know. Maybe I should talk to Bozarth's mum about that.

Jesus Christ! Since when have I started letting divine guilt influence my decisions??

I'm feeling myself falling off again. Which is cool, whatever, I've accepted that that sort of thing happens to me. I'm just too scared of my own prognosis to go and find out officially what it is. I can build my own cage, thank you. At least then the welds will be good, perfectionist that I am when it comes to things like that. I know I'm not as stable as I often pretend to be. I'm very easy to influence when I want to be. The only good hygiene I have is in regards to brushing my teeth and that has everything to do with my oral fixation and nothing to do with actual concern for my health. I don't know if that's wrong or not. I consider it to be a perk.

There's a rant coming on. Something about how beauty is relative and some times it's really okay to say, you know what? I'm not beautiful or sexy or any of that and that's really okay. I'm okay with that. And if someone else thinks I am, that's their thing. They probably aren't looking too hard. You can say that. You can be humble or hard on yourself or whatever, it's only a problem when you're excessive about it. Everything in moderation, including moderation. Too much of something is never a good thing.

I just heard that there's a bomb threat in the lecture hall of my campus. Some kid ran in, threw something in a litter bin and yelled 'bomb threat'. Walked right out the door. The police are quarantining the area, for lack of a better word and students are panicking. Fear is an interesting thing. I'm not really worried about it too much (probably because I'm fool-hardy or something like that), but I'm plenty irritated. You don't joke about shit like that. Not now. Not after what just happened. Get your kicks someplace else, friend. Leave us the hell alone. People are such idiots. They should be shot.

I'm going to make a mix tape because that'll clear my head. And then I'm going to read Hamletmachine so I'll have time to start my bloody thesis report for Play Anal later this week. Maybe tonight, if I'm so inclined. And tonight I'll go to the show and open it and not constantly fuck up like yesterday. And then I'll do something wonderful. Something that'll fill me up in all the right ways. And that'll be good. That's enough for now.

I want to run away for a little while. Does anyone want to go with me?