i hate roller coasters

today i feel: strange
today i'm hearing: life outside my window
today i'm thinking: this parade will never end

Strange Things I Have Heard Myself Say Today
a study in sleep deprivation

'This is, like, the worst period ever.'
'Dude, I'd totally turn your girlfriend gay, just to do it. But...I don't have the time.'
'I have to read O'Neill? Are you serious?'
'I don't wanna put clothes on...'
'Bye, kids. I'm gonna go wash the blood out of my hair.'
'Well, next time you feel like stroking my shoe seductively...'
'I don't have any ethics. Do I have to go to ethics training?'
'I know I say "xenophobia" every day.'
'Your car is purple. And your name's on the back of your shirt. Of course I'm going to find you.'


There was something about bondage porn in there too, but I don't really remember it that well. I think my sanity is suffering.

I should be writing a paper. Or doing my German workbook. Or reading The Hairy Ape. Or learning lines. Really, I should be doing something constructive. Hell, I'd take actually eating something! But I'm not. And I don't intend to right now. Why am I an academic scholar again?

Today's been very haphazardous. Woke up in a rush (haha. pun.) because I almost missed Play Anal. Last night was good. It was really pretty good. And I thought I'd wake up feeling really good: my mornings tend to coincide with my nights. But I didn't. Or, rather, didn't know how I was feeling until I hit class and then felt kind of blargh. Got breakfast with someone. ...That experience was strange. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I just know I'm not indifferent to it. I'm not sure how I feel about a lot of things right now.

You know what sucks? Being concerned for someone and having now way to tell them. I mean, the easiest way would be to say, 'Dude, I'm kind of worried about you,' but that seems so paternal. And I'm too passive-aggressive for things like that. This is why I blog: the process of interweb posting is so much less ballsy than fessing up about things and, thus, I can do it. And it just feels so hypocritical. I hate it when people worry about me. This is why I don't talk about a lot of things (ie. my health, both emotional and physical) and actually get the loads off of my chest that I really ought to. Today I got a lecture (from my breakfast mate, no less. Speaking of hypocrisy.) about how I need to let things out and not bottle them up inside. I am aware of this fact. Fact, note, not theory. Everyone I know with emotional problems, I tell this to. Let it out. Be honest. The only stupid question is the one you don't ask. But I don't deal with myself the way I deal with other people. I know myself too well. And of all the people in the world who can tell me that I need to let stuff out, that person was not one of them. Because then I'd be inclined to let it out all over her face.

Which is wrong of me. Because violence is not the answer. But I only have so many nerves to be poking at and so many buttons that are available for pushing. And that person is landing on the wrong ones.

...Grr.