chocolate people with raspberry filling. men *and* women.

today i feel: at wit's end
today i'm hearing: the miscellaneous playlist on itunes
today i'm thinking: i really could've used another shower revelation today

I am frustrated. Let me tell you why.

People are very confusing to me. And I tend to think I have a pretty good grip on the human race. People are really pretty simple so long as you accept the fact that nothing they do ever makes any sense. I accepted this long ago. Which is why it bothers me that this whole concept puzzles me so much. I understand this is contradictory. I would try to explain it, but it would never get back to this point.

Looking back to yesterday's post, I often find myself in situations wherein the angst of others is incredibly clear and easily resolved to me (You like her, she likes you, etc. We've been through this all-ready). I like that. I like that a whole lot. And while it does get frustrating when whomever's angst it is doesn't see how easily this is resolved, I'm still happy to resolve it and advise them accordingly (read as: tell them what to do). This is sounding very egotistical and I apologise. Please bear with me. I am not saying that there is no mountain that Kiri Palm cannot climb. After all, I am very small and my upper body strength is laughing. But I do have my moments of brilliance, as everyone does, and I like to exploit them as much as possible.

Today I find myself in a position that is very, very uncomfortable. I know exactly what the problem is. I know exactly what I need to do in order to come to a resolution. However, this problem involves me. And I am a pansy. Because I don't want to be that girl--that person--and I have to be. I don't want to say exactly what I need to say because I think it's cliché and irritating even though it's not and, fuck it, I'm scared. I am so goddamned scared of the repercusions, I can't even begin to describe it. Because if I fuck this up, I could very easily lose one of the best things that's ever happened to my life. And I'm not grown-up enough to deal with that. I never will be.

I wish that I wasn't the only one in this situation who realised this. Or who at least brought it up. I wish I didn't have to be the boy in this. There's a reason why I never went to the Sadie Hawkin's equivalent at school. I have no shame, and I'm very comfortable with my body most days, but at this? I am the biggest baby ever when it comes to losing things I care about, things I love. I cried when I was in Paige's empty house this summer. I cried like a spoiled child. I still get upset whenever I see a husky. I still hate fucking 28 April. And I always will.

I jumped in the shower this morning, desperate for some kind of resolve. I'd all-ready gotten input from Chelsea, and it was right but I didn't want it to be. So I got in the shower and I thought it over and I was in there for ages! And I got out without anything better than what I had going in there. And I called Stacy and I talked to her and she told me damn-near the same thing Chelsea did. And all I wanted was an easy answer. All I wanted was a perfect way of doing this whole thing that didn't involve me having to bring it up or talk about it, it would just happen. And I didn't get it. It doesn't exist. And I knew that, I did, but that didn't mean I had to like it and I didn't. I still don't. Because everything else about this whole situation is on such an extreme that I don't want/need/deserve this to be complicated, too. It was the simple part. Why can't it stay that way?




Change. Change. Change. Change... Change. Change. Chaaange. When you say words a lot they don't mean anything. Or maybe they don't mean anything anyway, and we just think they do.