we're not enemies; we just disagree

today i feel: slightly delerious
today i'm hearing: guy clark -- let him roll
today i'm thinking: homework doesn't work with my brain

It's a cloudy Sunday afternoon. I'm laying on my back in bed trying to type. It's not working very well, but my tummy's being kind of emo and Jo's working as a heating pad. Ergo, I am sucking it up and refusing to change positions. The tummy has spoken, and I must heed it. I am now down discussing my belly. Thank you for your time.

Stacy just left a little while ago to go back to Edwardsville. She's doing pretty well despite her irritating roommate. I'm glad my roommate isn't irritating. I hope she had fun down here, though I wasn't able to give her a great deal of entertainment. I spent all of Saturday at callbacks and CTF wasn't nearly as happenin' as it usually is, thanks to the cold and people not showing up who said they would. But we had a delicious breakfast this morning, which has to count for something, and she got to meet the fam and it was good. She thinks they're pretty hip cats. Well, she finds Joe a bit annoying, but he can do that sometimes and she doesn't care for the Tummy Impaler at all, but she's got a right to that. She got to 't';meet Tony, too, but I won't say what she thought of him for fear of stroking his ego. We can't have that now, can we?

Stacy's such a doofus. I pretty much love her a whole lot.

My gran's not been doing too well recently. Her brother died a couple of days ago and she woke up the next morning with a pretty severe rash. Of course, the rash made her completely forget about Charles dying, which just scares me, quite frankly. On the list of things that are important, I think a relative dying slightly outweighs a rash. But I also don't have Alzheimer's. My mum's freaking out about it, of course. I'd like to talk to Da about the whole thing because he's usually got the best understanding of what's really going on. Maybe it's wrong of me, but the person I worry most about in this whole mess is him. I didn't really know Charles, so I'm not too choked up about him dying. He had a lot of health problems and it honestly was just a matter of time. Grandma and Grandpa are getting worse every day and it's scary and sad, but they've had a good run, really. They'll be okay. Death comes to us all; that sort of thing. Mum's being ripped apart by this and doesn't understand that it's been coming and she'll be all-right. But she takes it all out on Da and he doesn't deserve that. He's doing everything he can to help her out and be there for his in-laws (who, by the way, do take a great deal of advantage on him) and has been the best husband/son-in-law anyone could ever hope for. Don't fuck with my da, damnit. He's doing more than he can.

Maybe my morals are skewed. I don't know...

I understand where Mum is coming from, I guess. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when my parents die. I hope, however, that I can find some constructive way to deal with it that doesn't involve making my partner go through ten kinds of shit. Especially if said partner is as unequivocally awesome as my da. Which i hope they will/would be. I mean, I'm going to be a wreck when my parents die. I know that. Yes, even Mum who drives me completely befok. I mean, they're my parents. They've always been there for me and they will always try to be. And most of the time, when they tell me something is right or wrong, they're correct. They've had an interesting time in the child department, but they do a good job with what they've got. I'll give them credit for that. The older I get, the more I appreciate them. I don't want them to go, but I know they will. That's part of the whole 'life' thing. It's a part I"m glad we have. Helps with overpopulation, that sort of thing.

Well this is a happy subject...

I'm feeling rather uninspired today. I've got quite a bit of work to do before tomorrow's classes, but none of the energy or interest to actually do them. I'm pretty sure the panic will set in shortly and I'll end up staying up later than I should finishing things up, but for now, I can't focus enough to write up a rhetorical analysis on Collegiate Life: an Obituary. I just don't find my generation that hopeless. I don't think we've completely abandoned romantic relationships. Everyone I know who is my age wants to be happy: they want to be with someone they feel safe and warm with, to prove the world wrong about our tragic youths. They're looking and waiting for that one person that's got everything they've been missing for the past twenty or so years. If that's not romanticism, I don't know what is.

I think the problem with my generation is that we're all scared of losing that fullness once we've found it. We're so desperate for completeness that it consumes us. But once we've found it--or at least something close to it--we don't want to lose it and end up driving it away. Maybe that's why we're all so depressed. Myself, I'm afraid of developing that mentality. Right now, for example, I'm feeling really rather good about life. I know writing about death and eternal loneliness doesn't prove that fact, but it is, in fact, true. I feel very...centred. That's a good way to put it. I don't want to grow so fearful of losing this centred feeling that I have to fuck it up. Thus, I'm doing my best not to push things. I think, 'Okay, my homework doesn't want to get done. That's all-right; take a break'. I'm putting a great deal of trust in myself right now. I figure that if I let everything unfold the way it wants to, things'll be all-right. I'm not waiting around for whatever to start. in fact, I'm encouraging the things I want to happen to happen and rolling with the things I don't like because I know that they have to happen. ...Or I'm trying to, at least.

Apparently, I'm feeling really 'zen' today. Stranger things happen, I suppose. Be well, do good works, keep in touch.