an update

today i feel: up and down
today i'm hearing: matt's occasional snores
today i'm thinking: this couldn't get over fast enough

I was just going to attempt to post what I wrote yesterday and leave it at that, but then I checked comments and realised that this needed to be addressed in a bit of a better manner than that because my ass would be kicked if it wasn't. So I'll do what I can to convince all of you that I have not been raped or stabbed and no one I know has been raped or stabbed and I'm not slitting my wrists in the bathroom to Needle in the Hay, much less anything by Coldplay.

I can't really say a great deal on here about what's going on because since what I did say has appeared, events have come into play that may push this situation under wraps. These events are of the legal variety. Thus, if you want more specific information, you're going to have to venture someplace other than the interweb. You are all my friends and I try not to keep secrets with you, but this site is opened to everyone on God's green earth and while I have no concern about them discovering the dirty crevices of my sex life, this is a little different.

What I can tell you is this: I have found myself in a situation where I can either keep the trust of a friend or possibly assist a few hundred others. This seems pretty cut-and-dried. What makes it a shitty situation, though, is that I am the person best able to help all of those people. I am also the only person, to the best of my knowledge, at least, who this friend trusts with this information. In addition to that, there is a possibility that my aid is completely unnecessary. I may be betraying this friend for nought.

I have very skewed morals, as all of you know, and this situation is more than enough to get frustrated to the point of violence, cry, eat a gratuitous amount of junk food, and pass out without realising it. All of these things I have done today. I'm also being a bit of a recluse. Nothing is a greater sign of friendship to me than trust. The thought of betraying that trust is painful and terrible to me. But if I don't do it, something far worse and way bigger than the two of us could happen. So I picked the many over the few. And I know that I did the right thing. I also know that it feels wrong.

The police have been calling me up looking for information, going so far as to somehow find my dorm phone number to get a hold of me. We don't use that phone. I don't even have the long distance set up on it. For all I know, they called the school to get it from them. They're not making any decisions yet, mostly because they don't know what to do. They say this as though they expect me to have the answer. I don't even know if telling them was what I should do anymore.

I asked Tony today if doing the right thing was supposed to make you feel like shit. I had to ask someone, and I figured he would know. He's good at that kind of thing. And he told me that sometimes all you get out of doing the right thing is knowing, deep down, that what you did was right. That upset me a little because I knew he was--is--right. I'm going to beat myself up about this, I know I will. But this is better than the alternative. For everyone. This is the only thing I can do that will let me sleep at night, when I finally get back to doing that. I can find comfort in knowing I've done something right for once.