mood: sad
music: the same wilco song that's been stuck in my head for a week
CPCetc: make it mellow again, just make it mellow
** **
** **The best thing I've read today, which I nabbed from Rachel's journal:
I certainly don't know how to factor polynomials.
But you know what?
I know how to be there for my best friend...I know how to sing a high Bb on the soprano scale. I know how to make The Boy smile when he's having a bad day.
I know how to speak out against bigotry and racism. I know to appreciate my body and my looks, because no matter how many PE teachers (or my mother, for that matter), have tried to convince me I'm ugly because I'm not a magazine ideal...I know I exert beauty.
I know how to support the rights of others. I know how to speak in ASL.
But you don't really care about that, do you?
You know what I realised today, or at least accepted my realisation on the topic? For all my philosophy and scholarly words and pretending that optimism will get me through any situation, I'm just a terrified little kid who doesn't know how to get from today to tomorrow nearly as well as everyone else seems to. And everything around me is just as fragile and just as hurt and I feel sometimes that I shouldn't touch any of it or get to close for fear of shattering everything. And no matter what we do, bad things are going to happen to us and to those we care about and we just have to keep going. We have to keep going no matter how scared and sick and sad we get. And that really doesn't seem fair, except that that's how it is for everyone.
And I know it's selfish of me to say this, but I really can't go to Whitney's party. It's not that I dislike Whitney because she's wonderful and I really miss seeing her, but I just don't think I could handle anyone seeing me like this. Especially not the people I've finally convinced that I'm not really crazy or depressed or on the brink of suicide. Honestly, I just wish I could curl up with my girlfriend and do nothing for a few days. Just drink tea and eat pocky while watching bad B-Movies on a comfy couch and just forget that bad things ever happen and there really are monsters in the world, they've just crawled away from our closets and beds. And I know that that's selfish and kind of bitchy, but I just don't think I can do anything else right now.
Christ, I've probably got you all worried now. I'm sorry, that's wrong of me. This is a public site and other people can see this and I shouldn't be making all of your lives harder. Es tut mir leid.
I hope all of you have a good weekend and get lots of rest and I hope everything works out for you. And I hope Katie stops thinking about Jesi and I hope Paige has fun playing video games and Erik doesn't have a rough time at work and Molly stops being such a bitch all the time. And everything else works out and people are happy again. Because you should be happy. Everyone should be happy. Maybe then we wouldn't bicker so much and make others sad. Anyway, I hope you have a good day despite my attempts to bring you down. And, again, I'm sorry if this has gotten anyone worried because it wasn't meant to.
Much Love,
Kiri >^.^< ~mew
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