fuck

today i feel: shitty
today i'm hearing: burkina's tank and my own frustration
today i'm thinking: i'll never be good at anything (even though that isn't true)

I'm going to say this because I need to get it out of my system. I don't care how silly and petty and unimportant it seems; I need to say it or I'm going to explode. And I'm going to say it here because Randy and Segun and Aaron and everyone involved in this show and this department don't come here and so they won't read it and I won't get crap about it tomorrow during class. Sorry to all of you who have to read this angsty shit.

I missed the most important cue in the entire fucking play tonight. I missed it and everyone in the audience, the staff, the cast... Everyone knew it. You cannot cover up a mistake like that. It was going so well until that fucking gunshot and I screwed it up. Then I did something worse: I let it throw me off. I started fucking up the second act, which was even more obvious because the giant, flashing mistake was there to begin with. That is not allowed. That is not appropriate. That is not forgivable.

And it doesn't really matter that (at least according to my sound board op) tomorrow's going to be so technically flawed that my fat, meaty mistake will crumble to dust in light of its larger, more formidable brothers. It doesn't matter that Randy was happy with the show (which I've been telling him he would be for the past fucking month) or that Segun said it was okay or that everyone was reassuring me that I did a 'Good Job'. Because I did *not* do a good job, we rehearsed that fucker right before we started and even if I did screw up one cue, I shouldn't have screwed up any others. I didn't keep my head. I didn't let it go. I held it in and was on the edge of tears for two fucking hours because of that goddamned cue and I will hate myself until I get it fucking RIGHT.

And I know it's trivial. And I know it doesn't matter. But you know what? It's my life right now. And if I can't get anything else right, I should at least be able to make the lights turn off when they need to turn off.