below the belt he swung

today i feel: pensive
today i'm hearing: new mix tape! i love giving presents.
today i'm thinking: i like to pretend i have the answers

I'm feeling introspective and Chelsea is napping and Mary Timony sounds pretty. It's time for a blog post.

I was cruising through the vestals of emo hell today (which is something I'm wont to do when I am feeling introspective and Chelsea is napping) when I came across a blog post of a friend of mine. Attached was a comment by this woman that I've never met in my life and have no connection to. But I thought it was kind of interesting.

I want to be straight so that my parents will love me and I won't get picked on at school. But I like boys and I also like girls. I love my friends to death but I'm afraid that if I do more then hug them they won't want to be my friend any more. I tell my friends I love them and they tell me "I love you too". My friends S. and H. hug and kiss all the time and kiss other guys. Am I like them? Am I Bi? Or am I just confused?

Now this got me to thinking. I know. I'm sorry.

Last Friday, my shrink asked me about my sexuality. I'd mentioned in passing my interest in both genders and she found that was interesting and that was kind of the end of it. But she asked me if I felt like discussing it at all. I was kind of expecting this to come up at some point in time. There's a lot of research going on right now about sexuality in 'young adults' (which is, apparently, where I lie). It's one of those 'hot button' issues. And I thought about humouring her and saying that, yes, I would like to discuss it, and I'm confused and would like some guidance. But I'm not confused. And I don't want to discuss it, really.

I once read something (by a bisexual, mind) about how being bisexual is kind of like refusing to make a decision. One day you're straight; the next your a flamming queer. You like kissing girls and you like sucking cock and there's no real system to it. So you say, 'To hell with it! I don't want to make a decision! I just want to be bi!' And I kind of like that. I make jokes about being indecisive and how it's my natural state of being. But I don't think I'm confused.

I've only been on one date with another girl since I dated Marion. But I still find them attractive. I would still gladly be with a girl if I was attracted to them and they made me happy. It's just that, right now, I'm on a bit of a bloke kick. And that's okay. I know that I relate better to men than women; that's just how I'm made. I'm not going to despise myself for that fact. I know that a lot of people think I'm stuck in the straight closet, but they don't know what I know about me. And that's absolutely fine. I probably don't want them to, anyway.

I've always felt really blessed to have parents that try not to judge me for who I am. I've felt blessed to have friends who love me no matter what. I've hardly ever encountered homophobia first-hand, and usually that's been in a faceless form. Raise your hands if you remember the Paintball Incident of 2005. And, yeah, I've been told I'm going to Hell, but so far as I can see, everyone I've ever met is going to be there. Pretty cool party if you ask me.

It always makes me sad when I see comments like the one I found on my friend's blog. I've always been told that you had to learn to love the person you are. You're only given one body, one soul: if you can't love that, how do you expect to find happiness? And I know that no one really wants to be different. Acceptance is so fucking necessary in our culture; it's a bad thing to be on the outside. And this girl is in a really awful situation from the looks of it. I wish I knew her. I wish I could look her in the eyes and say, 'Sweetheart, you're not alone. You've got friends everywhere. We know what you're going through.' And I hope my friend does just that. But the truth of the matter is that this girl will probably be confused for the rest of her life. Welcome to bisexuality, girls and boys. Today you like boys, tomorrow you'll like girls. In a week and a half, you'll consider a sex change! It's hell on wheels, you know.

Again, I'm not pretending that I have all the answers. I'm not even saying I have a few of them. I just know that this is the way G-d made me. And today, I'm happy. I'm happy where I'm at. The Willowz are singing and Oogie and Wampus are having a frolick and Chelsea's not nearly as sick as we thought she might be. And tonight we're going to see Harry Potter. And tomorrow, who knows? But right now, in the great room of my little apartment on East College, with my half-full can of Cream Soda, with the birds chirping softly and my best jumper on, Life is being relatively kind. And that's enough for me.

Good evening. I love you. Happy July.