he sings the whole night through

today i feel: up and down
today i'm hearing: top chef on the tele
today i'm thinking: as tasty as bento is, it doesn't fill me up

I really need to vent a bit. The only problem is, I don't feel the venting that I have is engaging enough to share with someone in real time. But that is why we have blogs on this earth. Feel free to disregard this to me being dramatic. That's probably what it is.

So.

Today I went and grabbed lunch with Matty at Orient Gourmet. I got there early because, haha, that's what I do. No big. When he got there, we sat down, of course, and we talked and stuff. It was fine. Absolutely fine. In all honesty, this was one of the most non-traumatising lunches I've ever had.

It's just that...the other night, I went for a drive after AKraft and I caught a flick. And I was thinking about a lot of things, mostly the kinds of things I think about when I'm in BTown. And I realised that night that I've grown a lot in the last six months. It sounds so stupid and iconic to go off to uni and 'discover yourself' and all that, and I'm not saying that I've done that. I had a pretty good grip on who I was before I skipped town. It's just that I've had to face a lot of things this year that I've never gone through before. Scary things; at school and at home. I've met a lot of people that I have challenged me and pushed me to decisions and limits I never thought I'd have to face.

I've found myself saying that I'm not grown-up enough to handle certain things. But I've also found myself saying that less and less.

I've found myself wanting to go home. But home's become a vacation destination and not a safety blanket.

It really is strange that Home's become a place to visit.

There's such a gap, now, between me and my friends that are younger than me. And maybe it's a gap that only I notice. I'm still so very, very fond of them; they're funny, loving, wonderful people. And I miss them so much. But I can't help feeling that they're just kids. And that's strange and awful for me, because I'm just a kid. I have so much to learn and go through and experience and I don't have a bloody clue what I'm doing. I just feel so old here. I feel so pretentious and awkward and I feel like I'm talking down to people and I don't mean to. I really don't mean to. I hate being talked down to and I hate talking down to people even more.

I don't know...

I'm going to go destroy all the goodness I did my body by eating Japanese and shove some kettle korn and cream soda into my system. Take that, body. Soak up the sugar and love it.