what more is there to say?

today i feel: content. completely and utterly content.
today i'm hearing: field music -- you're so pretty
today i'm thinking: but not too too much

I just flew in from Chicago and, boy, are my arms tired. Actually, I got in yesterday evening. And I took a train. ...And I'm not really tired at all.

The kids from Chicago are all doing pretty well. Bozarth is ridiculous, completely and utterly so. Koosh is grumpy. Paige is kind of down, but she's got a plan to get out of it. Will's still alive despite the Reagan-obsessed roommate. Anne is Anne. Chelsea and Matt are buttons and always will be. I miss them all already, especially Paige and Chelsea. Mostly Paige in that pair, seeing how I'll see Chelsea in...three days. My Chelsea-withdrawl will pass. It will be good.

I got up kind of early this morning (well, half-eight, which isn't early for me at all) and got to watch Seasame Street. It was one of the best episodes I've seen in a long time. Oscar and the Grouches were there, eagerly awaiting the arrival of Donald Grump. Elmo was only marginally annoying. There was this really cute song about friendship, especially when you're sad because your favourite triangle breaks. Grover went to South Africa and got a wire car (which was adorable). The Count sang George Gershwin. Bert and Ernie (BOTH!) sang a song about how much they like each other despite the fact that Bert likes lentil soup and Ernie likes bubble gum. And Oscar tucked the cute little worm in bed and said goodnight. It was wonderful.

I'm in a very philosophical mood today. I think it's because I'm feeling really content, more content than I've felt in...I don't know how long. It's incredible.

I've been thinking a lot recently about a lot of things: friends and lovers and parents and relatives, my relationships with all of them. It's been a weird time and I'm trying to figure out where I stand with everyone I know and where they stand with me, what we are to one another and what we could be and where I fit in to all of this. And last night, as I was laying in bed, happier than I've been in a really long time, I figured it all out. For the time being, of course.

See, life is full of moments, some good and some bad and some in between. The trick of it is that in this moment, you have to think of everything you've done before now and what you want to do after now. But at the same time, you can't get so muddled up in all of that that you forget how important this moment is. You can't ignore the fact that this time that you have right now is the most important time of your life. Things are changing constantly and time is passing before you faster than anything. But that's not the most important thing. You worry, you wonder, but you can't regret. You can't keep going back and thinking, I should have done that differently. I should've stopped sooner or looked both ways or turned around and gone home to stay. Maybe you should have, I don't know. Maybe you should've asked her out on that date or not eaten that last clementine or stayed in school or dropped out. Maybe. But what you did was what you did. And you've learned something, right? You've grown, haven't you?

I've been trying so hard to label everything in my life, to put stuff in boxes and call them what they are and made everything clear for everyone. I thought it would be easier to have that. This is so-and-so and we are such-and-such and this is why. But I don't have to do that. I don't need to do that. Stacy and I always act drunk around each other. Paige and I will be together for the rest of our lives. Will will leave his shit on the El and I'll pick it up and take it to him. No one will ever understand JPalm as much as I do and I will never like that fact. Da will call me easy and I won't mind. I'll call him an ass and he'll laugh.

There are things in life that make you happy for no reason, that make you laugh for hours at a time and you can't explain why. There are people who make you feel safe, happy, exposed in all the right ways that haven't done anything to make that happen. There are moments when you just have to do something impulsive or rash or silly that people will tell you were wrong or bad, but you'll look back on them and smile and think that you never made a better decision in life. And there's no reason for that. There's no cause or catalyst or separation between those things and things that are just stupid except for the line that you draw in your mind. And that's good. It's good to have those times and those moments and those people. It's fucking brilliant. Because sometimes, you just can't explain something. Sometimes you don't understand why you feel what you're feeling or why you do what you're doing. Sometimes you can't find the right words and sometimes you know exactly what you have to say. Sometimes you want to laugh and joke and sometimes you want to tell someone everything.

Sometimes it's enough to have someone whose arse is just as cold as yours. Sometimes it's enough to hold back someone's hair and tell them it's okay. And then sometimes you just have to wrap your arms around someone until they're so exhausted from tears and coughing and the scary parts of the world that they fall asleep. And sometimes you have to tell someone that, yes, they did do something stupid. But that's okay too. Things will be okay. Give it some time--a minute, an hour, a year--and things will turn 'round again.

Sometimes you have to tell someone that the big things don't matter to you. That you'll always be their friend. No matter what.

There have been a few times in my life--not very many, but enough--when I have fallen asleep thinking that if I didn't wake up the next morning, I'd be okay with that. That something had happened in my life that day that made my purpose clear, or fixed something that needed aid, or just made me happy to the extent that I was ready to go on whatever adventure was next. It might sound kind of morbid, but it's wonderful really. Because on nights like that, I'm not scared of what G-d will think of me, that I forgot to say my prayers that night or didn't do something that I ought to do. I know that when I get asked about anything bad I've done, I'll be strong enough to face my wrongs. And whenever that happens, it's so much the sweeter when I blink out the sun in my eyes and see Basti on my belly, eyeing me to see if I'm awake.

Last night was one of those nights for me. Things really are going to be okay.