you oughta be proud

today i feel: kind of like shit
today i'm hearing: u2 -- joshua tree
today i'm thinking: that i wish i was someone else

Had to deal with another panic attack this morning. That was bad. I ended up ringing my mum up and having a crying fit. She told me to call the shrink. I did. Now we're trying to figure out how anyone can take him to a 9.45 appointment. It's not looking good.

I finally got an answer. Things were my fault after all. But it was in one of those ways where it wasn't your fault that your actions occurred and caused what happened to happen. I don't know how that makes me feel. Kind of funny how circular life is, though.

Someday, I'll be better. I'll live past this, I know. But I know that every time I see Rob, I start to stutter. And every time Bozarth hugs me, I notice his smell. And every time I talk to M-Sak, I remember how great of a kisser she is (because you are, you know). So I'll live past all of this, but I'll never be quite the same. That's okay, I guess. Just really annoying.

Everyone I know forgets things: people, events, feelings. Or they pack them away, at least, and can bring them up when someone says something about them. 'Oh, yeah. I remember that. We did that, didn't we?' I wish I could do that sometimes. Because I can't put things away, much less forget them. I just don't work that way.

I think I know why I want to get married, and why I want to marry whom I want to marry. Then, I'll never have to be rejected again. Because he hates rejection as much as I do.