nothing else will do

mood: mrphed
music: the air conditioner from hell
CPCetc: oh, life. you are irritating.

This Week's Plan for Self-Betterment:
Stop hanging around with ridiculously cute couples. All it causes is despair.

In other news.

My brain is being raped by this play. It was going really well but now it's fallen at a standstill--as everything I write tends to do. I just brought in this new but vaguely necessary character and...it died. Poop. So I'm irritated at that. But I don't want to stop. Because I've all-ready written most of the ending and it's a pretty good ending and I kind of want to end it because then I'll feel all accomplished and shit and accomplishment is good.

*breathes*

So there's that. I've started on birth control. Yay, birth control. Mostly, it's to help the crampy-cramps and my teenage acne-related woes, but there are other more obvious perks. Of course, I'm a spazz, so I refuse to have sex with a boy and not use a condom (huzzah diseases) so that's a bit of a moot point. But whatever. Unprotected sex is not the life for me. This is because I celebrate World AIDS Day.

Wednesday is National Coming Out Day. Needless to say, I'll be decked out. It's a pretty exciting day. Of course, ninety-five percent of the people in my speech class think I'm a lesbian because of an earlier comment whereing I stated that most of my friends are fags (which, at least here, is true), so wearing rainbows and muscle shirts will bring about anarchy. Lesbian anarchy! *GASP!*

Oh, Lord. I'm going to hell.

Gahhhhhhhh... I'm depressed. It kind of sucks. But there's no way for me to get out of it without grabbing another person so I guess I'm stuck like this for a while. Which is super fun. Except not.

I feel bad about this whole mess. On the one hand, I feel entitled to be sad and I feel as though it's a Good Sign. Being upset about a time passing is a sign that you enjoyed the time. And I have a right to be sad, do I not? It kind of hit like a Mack Truck and I still haven't got a straight answer as to why. On the other hand, this is exactly what I said I wasn't going to do. Now, keep in mind that when I said this I had no idea that I'd have the opportunity to do this so soon. I can deal with decomposition; I can't do explosions. While gradual separation is annoying as fuck, it doesn't hold a candle to having all the threads cut at once.

I'm noticing a possible pattern in my relationships. Short, sweet and sudden; long, involved and degenerative. It's repeated the first half all-ready and I can't deal with that. It's an awful cycle! By the time you've gotten used to the first, you've forgotten the second. You're always unprepared! I don't like it. Not one bit.

Oy. Angst.

I really need to think of something else. Something stupid or silly or intense. That refuses to happen somehow. I keep trying to find things to wrap myself in and forget a bit but they all end up being transient and then I'm stuck even further into this than I was before. It's getting really old really fast. I'm beginning to realise that, while I tend to be obscenely happy around others, I'm almost always sad around myself. Does that mean I'm a naturally sad person? Or are our natural tendencies measured by how we act around others? See, I put up a bit of a facade when I'm out because of the fact that I know people expect and like me to be happy. So, most often, that's how I am. But all of the societal rules and psychological distinctions are getting me mixed up to the point where I don't know if I'm feeling how I'm feeling or I only think I am.

...Does that make sense?

No. Of course not. It's me. Worse than that, it's me when I'm like this. I need a hobby. Or something. Oy.