for your consideration

today i feel: like shit
today i'm hearing: clocks ticking. symbolism!
today i'm thinking: too much

This is one of those maintenance things for those of you that are privy to such articles. If you're not, too bad. It's getting posted anyway.

I've decided that I really need a break from things for a while. So I'm going to go away a bit. Fewer blog posts, not a lot of time on AIM, avoiding facebook and myspace completely. I'm not 'deleting my journal' or anything; that's childish. I'm just going to ignore it for a while. That's all. I don't know how long this is going to last. Probably a couple of weeks, maybe more. It just kind of depends. It's nothing to panic about, it's just something I need to do.

The fact of the matter is that there's a lot of stuff I haven't been dealing with lately. And that's stuff that I do need to deal with. Things that I thought would get better aren't and I'm only increasing the problem by playing about like everything's fine. Things aren't fine right now. Things are very much unfine. I need to deal with that. As much as I hate to admit it (especially since I gave him so much grief about it), Will's right. I'm lying to myself. I'm worsening things that don't need to get worse. I need to lay off and lie low and maybe things will get better. And maybe they won't.

This isn't a college/transition/homesick thing. Let me just clear that up. I'm not liking college a whole lot right now. I understand that. All of you understand that. You know me. And, yes, I miss home, but I miss things that aren't home more. And I'm not doing well with the transition into adulthood but that's not why I'm doing all of this. That's not the real why, at least. It's just that everything I thought was right turned out not to be, and everything that I thought mattered has decided that it doesn't matter. And everyone I care about more than anything is someplace I can't reach. The people I most want to see I see maybe once a month. If I'm lucky. And the people I honestly need to talk to refuse to talk to me. And that's not something I can change right now. And I need to get used to that.

Things just aren't very good right now, okay? I'm stressed to a comical degree and it's making my body shut down. I'm depressed worse than I've been in years and I'm having a rough time figuring out how to soften it. I've spent too much time telling too many people about all of My Shit to the point where I'm disregarding the fact that other people have shit of their own that's more important than mine. That's not fair to anyone. Life's about give and take. You've been giving and I've been taking. It's not balanced, you know?

Please don't ask me if I'm okay. I'm not okay and I'm not going to be for a while. And please don't ask me what's going on because you know what's going on; it's pretty easy to figure out. And don't ask me what you can do or how you can help or what I need because there's not a whole lot you can do and there's nothing I need right now that you have an ability to provide. I love you all dearly, but this is something I've got to do. And maybe I'll succeed and maybe I won't. But that's not something you can decide and it's not something that you can help. Sorry if that sounds morbid.

If you need me, my mobile is always on. I check my email religiously (it's not like I'm a completely different person or anything). Just don't be surprised if I seem a little distant or don't want to answer too many questions. It's not you. I just need to fix this first.

I love you.

deine Kiri.