lay your weight on me

mood: off
music: scotland yard gospel choir--a good kind of crazy
CPCetc: oy vay, kiri palm. oy vay.

As I explained it to Paige yesterday, I've been filled with this need to snuggle everyone I know and tell them how much I love them and how sad I'd be if they were beaten to death with a tyre iron (read as: something terrible happened to them). So this is about that. I know it's going to seem really cryptic and angsty, but it really isn't. I promise. Well, it's not supposed to be.

I've fucked up a lot in the past few years. I know that, you know that, everyone does it and everyone pretty much feels bad for it. I know I do. But the fact of the matter is, the past few years have been high school. And high school sucks a whole fucking lot.

However, I've made almost all of the best friends I've ever had in high school. I'm not talking about Stacy or Rachel or Bozarth or Caroline (which maybe one person who reads this knew). But everyone else, I've really found in high school. I know I met Liesl and Paige and Katie before high school, but I didn't really know them. Everyone I know now has grown so much in the past four years. And I think it's because we all realise just how much being this age sucks and we all realise that if we want to hang on to the people we care about, we have to pay attention to that fact. Because everyone fucks up. That doesn't mean they don't care about you or want to take care of you or anything. That's just because they're human. Humans suck.

And I realise that I've been really selfish recently. Incredibly selfish. And it's made me lose something I had with a lot of people (no, I'm not talking about anyone specific). And I really wish I could have some sort of epiphany about that and say that it's wrong and I'm not going to do it again. I want that to happen. I just don't know if it will.

I want to tell everyone that reads this, every single person, that I love them very much. And I don't care if we've had a fight or separated or I fucked you over because I'm a selfish idiot. It doesn't change the fact that I care about you. Everyone that reads this, everyone that I know reads, I would die for. I swear to God. Not in one of those, 'Oh, yeah, sure I'd take a bullet for you' ways. I'm serious about this. And, no, I'm not drunk, whoever's asking. I'm completely serious.

I love you guys. Please believe me when I say that. I love you so much.