just another punch in the face

mood: shite
music: library at one
CPCetc: when it rains...

Once again, I have left my notebook at home. Therefore, neccessary angsting is not taking place and I have to get it out before I explode in a pile of festering angstiness.

Firstly, I feel like a total shite for angsting about this. I have no right to; I know I don't. It's my fault that things are like this--mine and Theatard's. And I freely admit that things did not go the way I wanted them to go. But I'm not the director. I'm not making casting decisions; I'm just there to assist and argue and never have my points heard. And I don't know if the girl we picked is going to be a good choice. I don't know her acting ability, I just know she's willing to try anything once. It takes her a while to get things, from what I understand. I'm not sure if we've got that luxury.

I'm really sorry things are like this. I'm sorry Sarah's out and Alex is upset and Paige and Liesl got fucked over. Honestly, I went in there and she had all of the girls cast. I made a point to argue and she told me no. Not in so many words, but the meaning was the same. And I really wish I could change it, but I can't. I don't know how to and I don't know what I would do. If I were really directing this piece--honest and tryly in control--things would've been different from the start. Maybe for the better and maybe for the worst, but they'd be different. And I just...I hope that everyone understands that. Even though I know that's not the case.

And...I'm really sorry, Alex. I wish I could help. But...I can't. I can't play favourites in this game. It isn't fair to anyone.

...It's moments like these that make me want to act for the rest of my life.