and we don't even *have* kraft dinner!

mood: shit
music: none
CPCetc: *begin muffin of angst mode*

I'm sorry, guys. I really need to rant right now and no one's around that can really listen to it here. I mean, Da's at work and Mum wouldn't let me rant, she'd just keep interupting me and telling me how I need to focus on the positive and 'this one time at band camp' and shite and I can't take that right now. I just need to get everything out before I pull out all my hair and run naked through the streets or slit my wrists in the bathroom or whatever it is that crazy people are supposed to do.

I hate making decisions. Okay? I'm just going to say it. I know that I just seem passive and all and it's really damned annoying but the fact of the matter is that I just hate making decisions. I always think the decision I finally make is the wrong one or someone's feelings are going to get hurt or whatever and I hate taking that chance. Little decisions like 'you want to go out tonight?' or 'Kiri Palm, what is your opinion about scaling that tall, scary-looking death trap of welded-on chain-link fences, all for the sake of God, Glory and Gold?', those I can do. What we're having for dinner, where we should hang out at, those I don't do because I just don't care. Chances are, if I say I want to hang out with you, we could do pretty much anything and I'd be super-good with that. But big decisions? When do I want to get married and do I want to get married and what do I want to do with the rest of the time I've got? I can't decide! I don't know! And I sure as fuck can't decide where to go to college.

I don't really want to go to college. I don't. I hate school now. But I know I have to. So I'm going.

This isn't me trying not to grow up; it really isn't. I just don't want to decide about these kind of things. It's so stressful and I hate myself with every moment I'm filling them out. I feel like I'm selling my soul and cheapening things that are so important to me like my friends and the CCP kids and my family and everything! I feel like a fucking whore talking about all the activities and 'awards and honours' and my GPA and shite. That's not what makes a person! That's not what's important in life! It doesn't matter what your grades were like in high school or how many times the Smart People Club gave you the Super-Awesomest Person Ever Award. That's not what you're about! You can't see what a person is really like on a sheet of paper. You can't know what their first word was or how much they love to watch the clouds go by on a summer day or how much it hurt to put their dog to sleep or how much fun it was to organise a box of crayons into colours. It's just...paper. Paper doesn't live and breathe and think and feel and cry and love and laugh at things that aren't really funny at all.

Paper can't feel like the kind of shite I feel like right now. Shite so terrible that I can't stop crying even though I know it's stupid and pointless and will go away as soon as I stop working on uni and start doing something fun for a change.

I'm not even having that hard of a time with unis. I've gotten in to half of the places I've applied to and they both want to give me money. I've no right to complain. I know that. It's just...I can't figure out what to write about. I can't talk about my interests or academic goals or career plans. I don't know what I'm doing with the rest of my life! I don't know what I'm doing with the rest of my week.

I don't want to have a career. I don't want to talk about how many times I've gotten a Super-Awesomest Person Ever Award; if I've gotten one I didn't deserve it. I just want to feel like a real person again. I just want to eat Kraft Dinner and watch movies for the rest of my life. Is there a fucking scholarship for that?

Sammy shat on the carpet today. I fucking hate shit. I started to throw up because of it and had to swallow that down. Yeah. It's really damn disgusting.

I hate being a senior. Anyone who tells you that your senior year of high school is the best year of your life is full of shit and should be shot on sight. And that's not any kind of shit. It's disgusting Border Collie shit that makes you throw up but you have to swallow the vomit down. Run far, far away from them and never return their calls.

Fuck. I need a hug right fucking now.