nor by power

mood: angsty
music: classical radio stuff
CPCetc: oof. damnit.

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Yes, there are two posts today. And, yes, that means I am being a little muffin of angst. Feel free to skip this if you'd like. It's just going to be bitching but I need an outlet. I'm sorry.

I went to lunch with my grandparents. As much as I love free food and spending time with my family and all, everytime I spend time with my family we talk (gasp! no!) about family things. My cousin (who, just as a matter of trivia is twenty-five hours younger than JPalm) is getting married in March. J's actually down in Okie-homie right now getting fitted for his--ahem--uniform. Tori (my cousin) is the closest cousin I've had because all my paternal cousins are, liek, twenty years older than me and my other two maternal cousins haven't spoken to me in, liek, ten years (their mother's a nazi. it's a long story). Today, my grandmother asked me if I was going to be a bride's maid for Tori. I'm not.

Okay, this feels really bitchy of me to be upset about. Tori and Justin have always been super close. We joke about them being twins becaus a.) they're so close in age, 2.) they act so much alike and iii.) they have this really cool bond where they understand each other perfectly. I've never had that with Tori (or my brother, for that matter). Everytime we see them, Tori and Justin end up hanging out together and I hang out with the adults. I've always been the little tag-a-long. Always. And, frankly, it hurts. Tori's the only real cousin I've ever had, she's the only one that's ever given a flying fuck about me. And when Mum and Da and I went to Okie-homie a couple years ago, Tori and I were really close. Or I thought so. Her then-boyfriend-now-fiancé was around a lot so she was constantly distracted, but Tori and I have had some really great conversations. She's practically my sister.

So when I found out that she was getting married, it kind of hurt a little. Not because of the fact that she's getting married, that's great, whatever. But she asked me mam to play the organ. And my da to help with the music. And J to be a groomsman.

This is really shallow of me, I know. It's her wedding and she has really close friends and all. It's not place to get my knickers all in a bunch because she didn't want me tripping over me skirts and mucking up the whole thing. Which I would do and we both know it. It's just...I don't know.

They're only two years older than me, you know? And I'm not really a little kid anymore. I mean, really. When I was younger, yeah. It was completely understandable. I guess I just feel...invisible? Neither Tori nor my aunt asked to speak with me when they called about this. And I thought I was really close with them both. Maybe Mum let it slip that I don't dig on Jesus and now my aunt's irritated with me, but that doesn't give cause to Tori. She was smoking cigarettes when she was fourteen. Not exactly the poster child of Christianity. And I know she and her fiancé have had sex. Honestly. They've been together two years.

I guess I'm just upset because I'm never going to be able to do anything special for my other cousins. Melissa and Stephanie are complete strangers; I wouldn't even recognise them if they came up and said hello to me. And all my paternal cousins are married (or close enough, in some cases). I just really would've liked to do this for her. That's all.

Oy, the dramer. How are all of you?