it hides our cheeks and shields our eyes

mood: ponderable
music: don't wake me i plan on sleeping--postal service
CPCetc: wondering what, exactly, made me so goddamn co-dependant and why i continue to act on it

** ** ** **


I have a friend, well, I guess you could call him a friend. I won't say his name because quite a few of you know him. But...okay. Basically, I'm his self-appointed suicide watch. This kid has a lot of problems, most of which I don't understand. He's positive that no one cares about him and there's no point to life and he might as well just hang himself and get it over with. For a while, he was just getting smashed and stoned and smoking several more packs a day than was at all necessary and, whatever, he was okay.

Then someone had the bright idea to throw him at a shrink. And now he's on pills.

Anyone that's known me through any really rough time has come across my opinion of shrinks. I believe that there are some people that honestly need that kind of help. These are the people that have hurt others in ways that are unforgivable as well as themselves, but it's the hurting others that really defines it for me. As much as I joke about needing to be put away, I honestly don't believe it. And there have only been about three people in my life that I've felt need that kind of care.

This kid isn't one of them. Yes, he's depressed. Yes, he's neurotic. But giving a kid like that pills solves nothing. He's sick (ie. TB sick) and he needs help, but the help he needs is just someone to listen to him and say 'hey, it's okay. I love you, I'll help you'. He doesn't need meds for that. He needs a friend.

I had another one of these kind of conversations with him tonight. To be honest, they scare the living shite out of me. They remind me way to much of conversations I used to have with someone else, and that's a person I can't bring myself to trust anymore. But what really scares me is the fact that no one seems to worry but me. His own parents don't give a flying fuck about him! What kind of life is that?

...I try and tell him not to worry. That he's got an entire life to lead and he's just got to wait a little longer, that's all. Things'll get better and he'll find what he's looking for and everything'll be right as rain.

Is that wrong of me?

I know that I shouldn't interfere with others' lives. But when I care about someone, I just have to take care of them. I have to call them up and ask them how they are, I have to hand them a pack of gum when they get on a plane. And I just have to try and help them if I can. I can't explain it. It's almost as though by keeping everyone else alive, I feel I've got a chance too. By keeping everyone else sane, I can be sane as well.

...I wish Marion was back. And I hope her mum's not being awful.