subject: wtf?
mood: confused
music: the computer making irate noises
CPCetc: tummy hurt...
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Wow. This has been an insane morning. I really shouldn't have watched High Fidelity last night. And I shouldn't have written that either. And I really shouldn't have thought much. But I did. And now my head is on overdrive and things aren't really making any discernable sense.

Ugh. Need a really comfy pillow and some "NyQuil". Or maybe just a quiet room with Loreena McKennit playing for a while. Christ, I don't know. This is all happening really fast and insane and none of it is focusing. I didn't even trip last night, so I don't know what's up but it's wonky and I think it's making me sick. Though that might be the indescribably massive amount of caffiene. Yeah, I think it's that.

I killed a character last night. At, like, eleven o' clock. God, it was bad. And it wasn't even someone I particularly wanted to kill, he just had to be or else the entire story wouldn't work and I'd have to start from scratch. I hate starting over; it's too pointless. Paiga and M-Sak were just like "Kiri, kill him. I know it's hard, but you have to kill him" and I did have to but I didn't want him to die! I don't even know the character that well: I haven't spent any time developing him or learning about his life or even writing any of his bloody dialogue. I'd never really even met him before. But there he was: so small and new and free and I was going to kill him.

What a wretched thing to do.

Naturally, I refuse to do it again. But I will; it's inevitable. People die, that's a part of life. When you're creating life you have to anticipate death or else what's the point? You have to stop sometime, you have to end. If not, why bother beginning?

That sounds terribly morbid. Wow.

There's no real point to this. I just can't seem to express what I'm feeling right now without writing it out because saying it would be too self-centred and egocentric. But I have some freedom here, I think. I can bitch about something completely unrelated to the rest of the world. I can wonder about things that'll never happen and cry over shit that is unimportant and old. Because that's what people do in journals. And that's what this is. The only difference being that here it's not private, it's not just mine. And I try to put things up that are poignant and others would care about, even though I know it's all a bunch of shite. Even though I know I'll look back on it years from now and wonder why I ever thought it mattered.

I don't think anything matters forever. But somethings matter now. And we need to keep that in mind. We need to remember that stories will end and that today is just another chapter of our lives and that whomever is reading it will forget somethings as they move through the pages. We need to remember that we are pawns to fate, all of us. That we are transient.

And no, I'm not spazing out or having a midlife crisis or any of that. No, I'm not about to go and slit my wrists or walk into a lake or hang from the kitchen ceiling. It's not like that at all. I'm just.... just thinking, I guess. And that's what came up in my head so I put it down. That's all.

I think I'll go take care of Domi now.

Kiri >^.^< ~mew?