subject: soft core therapy and hobbit dreams
mood: better
music: the beatles "strawberry fields"
CPCetc: attempting to understand why sudden mental breakdowns actually can make you feel better
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I had a really weird night.

After M-Sak went home last night, J and I made more dinner (I guess we were hungry) and were going to watch a Batman movie. He said it was brilliant and I was still a might queasy so I didn't argue. I decided to phone Spike because he had called at some point in time and I hadn't gotten a chance to yet. He told me that his nose was broken. WTF?? I demanded more information.

Apparently, he was downtown with friend Travis (who happens to be a kleptomaniac and has more ADD than everyone I know combined and multiplied by six. At least, that's been my impression) when this group of kids started making fun of them. That makes sense, because Spike was skateboarding and he isn't terribly good. But he told them to try it and see how they fail or something, so they did but on bicycles. One thing led to another and they started following Spike and Travis home. Travis stopped to get something somewhere and Spike was just standing 'round and waiting. All of a sudden, this brick flies past him and another one hits his leg.

Sorry, I'm really fuzzy on the details. He told it so fast. But he told the kid to learn how to aim or something like that. And the kid ran over and palmed his nose. I'm not sure, but I think he kind of wigged out for some reason (not Spike, the kid) and started just beating on him. Or maybe not. I don't remember. But Spike just walked away. And he was bleeding horribly. They didn't think to stop at a pay phone for a ride home (seeing as neither has any common sense) and so they stopped by my house but I wasn't there. And they didn't stay to chat with J, but went home. And he had to get surgery on his nose because it was broken.

J didn't tell me any of this had happened and I was a might bit irked because when someone shows up at your house with their face bunged up, it's usually a good idea to pass that information along. And his excuse was that he forgot because he was having a really bad night. Spike had the sorry luck to show up on the same night that J and his wife broke it off. I told J something along the lines of he wasn't the only person in the world and he should've gotten over himself long enough to take care of Spike.

I know that was a really awful thing to say, and I'm not going to make excuses for my behaivour. It was terrible and I apologised to J as much as I could last night. I know guys don't really freak out when they get the shite beaten out of them, for whatever reason. And I know it's really stupid of me to get all feminine on Spike, but I worry about him, always have. And even though I knew he was fine, I was so worried right then that I was going to lose him somehow. The fact of the matter is, I know that kid could've killed him. Spike said it himself. There's a trial next week and he's getting tried for attempted murder. I don't know how many of you know this, but if that kid had pushed up instead of in, that would have killed Spike. It's a fact. Something about force on the brain, I think. I don't know the science of it, I'm just concentrating on the reality.

I don't even know why, but I went really wonky last night. And I pissed on my brother like crazy and he was so mad at me for saying that about his relationship and I was just irate about him not telling me because he knows how much I still care about Spike, everyone bloody well does! And I didn't know what to do but I didn't want to talk to J because I knew I'd just beat him and I refuse to hit my brother ever since last summer, but he wanted to make me feel better. And everything tasted so heavy and everything hurt and I just wanted to run until I got to Spike's house and just grab him 'round the waist and not let go for a really long time.

Sorry. I haven't gotten to think about this yet, so it's really hard to tell anything about it without wigging out again. *deep breath* Okay.

J was going to make me "a drink" to calm my nerves. I didn't want any. Well, I did, but I wasn't going to drink it. It wouldn't've helped, anyway. I broke down for a little while and he held me until I was sorted out. And he said some things that were really stupid and made me laugh. No, seriously, they were just dumb. And then I found a popsicle which made me feel much, much better. And we watched that Batman movie and it was brilliant. And I really do love my brother for being so nice to me and just knowing that, right then, I had to be like that. Then I was really tired and sad again and went downstairs and went to sleep quite fast.

Then I had this dream. It was actually a good dream; I didn't want to wake up this morning. But it was odd.

I was a Gondorian solider at the battle of Pelennor fields, only I was still a girl. I wasn't Eowyn, though, because she was there and I knew who she was. It was so inaccurate, this dream: Arwen was there too, only kind of transparent, and Merry and Pippin were both there, on the same field. I was actually standing with Pippin and we both saw this figure in the distance. It was Merry.

Pip ran to him and took hold of him as he fell down. And he brushed his hair back and kissed his forehead and just held him and made him safe. I ran behind him to make sure all was all-right, but they were fine because they had each other. So I went on with my business, killing orcs and southmen and such with an odd little rifle that had a revolving barrel. Like I said, it was terribly inaccurate.

Then I heard Merry and he was terrified and calling for help. I turned, nearly losing my head by an orc, and I ran to help him, pushing my way past others. Pippin had gone all pale and almost unconcious and Merry was holding him and crying. I went over and took Pip again and he said that he had to get to the top of Minas Morgal and someone had to carry him. I swore, which was when I figured out it was a dream; 'cause no one swears like that in Middle Earth, especially not when they're in Gondor. And I told him that I would take him to the King, because he was stronger and wiser than I and possesed some sort of protection that none of us seemed to have.

And I picked him up, with Merry right beside me, and I began the trudge back to Minas Tirith, to the Citadel; only it looked like the emperor's palace from "Titus", but it was still Gondor and I knew it. My arms started to hurt and Merry looked really anxious and Pip was so clammy and so pale. I got up to the top and all of the "advisors" or whatever they were were around and I had to bow a lot. Theoden was alive and there and he wanted to know what was going on and why one of his soliders was with me. And I told him I had to see the King of Gondor and he just went and found him.

I pulled Pippin's head close and I kissed his forehead. His hair was so soft. I can't even explain it, it just was. His eyes were fluttering shut. "Stay awake, Pip. C'mon. Stay with us, love."

I took him in to Aragorn and he had me set him down on the bed. It was really hard because my arms were going to sleep from the weight and I was nearly as small as Pip was to begin with. Aragorn saw how much it hurt and he rubbed my back and held me tight. It was kind of weird, but nice and I got really bashful. Seriously, Aragorn's a good looking lad and I was still a girl after all. I left so he could look Pip over and Merry came out with me a few minutes later. He was so scared and I held him as he cried. I noticed that his hair was a lot different from Pip's. It was matted at the time and dirty. He'd been on the road longer, that was obvious. It smelled different, too. More earthy.

We talked about Pippin for a while. And I told him that I could understand why he loved Pippin's hair so much and he didn't really seem to notice that I had realised that. And he said that he loved him so much and he couldn't lose him. And I told him that I knew. And that it would be okay, just wait and see.

The rest of the dream wasn't really important. I don't even know if it was still a dream or just me coming to and mucking with the rest of it. And now that I think about it impartially, I think I do know why I had that dream, and it isn't entirely because of reading too much porn.

Kirily >^.^<