subject:Yet Another Random Rant
mood: crippling from the extreme pointlessness of life
musik: The Grateful Dead
CPCetc: curling up in a little ball and crying until there's nothing left to let go of

AN: This was to go on my blurty, but that's not happening for whatever reason.


Okay, I'll get this down so long as the US history class doesn't kick me off. Hopefully, that won't happen.

Have you ever needed to do something but you were too tired or angry or scared to do it? But this is something you've got to do, so you really have to do it and you keep telling yourself that and work on it and if you don't do it, you'll just kill yourself or something? And then when you finally get up the energy to do it, something happens so you can't do it? You know when that happens?

That happened last night. I was talking to Spike again. See, I was going to talk to him about what happened on the first so Katiemakes made me call him on Monday. I couldn't get a hold of him and I hate answering machines. But he called me and didn't say "You called?" or anything like that. I thought it was really nice. So we talked for a while about nothing in particular, which is what we usually talk about. After a while, just got to the point where I had to ask him about it because I was so sick of wondering and not knowing and everything. So I did because he asked me about the anti-prom party so I figured it was as good a time as any. And he told me that he had thought he'd imagined it or something because I ran out so fast and everything seemed just like it had been prior to...what happened. So I told him that he hadn't unless I'd imagined it too, which would be really bizarre and highly unlikely. And he still didn't know what had really happened or why or anything, so I explained why...why I did it and what I felt, which wasn't terribly surprising to him. And he thought for a while. And tried to come up with some sort of response or feeling or reaction or something that would maybe help me realise if what I did was wrong. And I told him that I hoped I hadn't made him angry or anything.

S: Why would I be angry?

That made me really happy. But he kept thinking and couldn't come up with anything at all. And then he had to go and he said he'd call back. But then he didn't.

So I called him last night. Twice, three times maybe. Never got anyone. He called me later and said this time that he'd been told I'd call. And we talked some more. About nothing in particular. And I couldn't stop thinking that I had to ask him about it and if he had any response and he kept saying he couldn't remember any of our conversation from two days ago except for the really funny, stupid parts that were pointless and didn't make any sense in the first place. And he had to go and didn't say he'd call back and it was so late and I was just so tired of everything and everyone and I took a shower but that didn't help and I just wanted to kill J so much but I didn't and it wasn't helping and





I'm sorry. God. Just...yeah. Sorry. I'm...I'm going insane. Don't worry. Maybe...God. I don't know.




Tomorrow afternoon cannot come fast enough. I need to get out of this town and have a weekend of just stupidity and fun music and Willhelm's pointless, corny jokes and Eddy's sarcasm and all the pointless greatness of life. Then I can get back to thinking in comprehensive thoughts and sentences with appropriate punctuation and superb grammar. Then maybe my writing will stop stuttering. Or maybe it won't and then I'll get a psychologist, which would also be nice. I'll take either.

Christ, I need a new head. Dammit, I'm bitching again. I'm sorry. Shit.

Faye-faye