knee high socks what to cover a bruise

today i feel: outside
today i'm hearing: rachel's -- 4 or 5 trees
today i'm thinking: i'm doing something horribly wrong

I need to get my ass in gear and re-acclimate.

I've decided that's my main issue in life right now. I am not re-acclimating to my current environment. I'm pretty sure this is no one's fault but my own, but it is an issue none-the-less, and one I'm not entirely sure how to resolve. I spent so much of the summer being bored and sad and lonely so that now, when there are always people around and things to do and stuff to entertain me, the bored, lonely, sadness is perpetuated to a ridiculous degree. It has become a habit. It is my chosen drug. Because I feel safe being bored and lonely and sad. I don't like it, oh no. I'm not that big of a masochist. But I don't want to leave it. I don't want to become comfortable. And I don't know why that is.

And I'm noticing this is having an effect on my daily life. For example, I was assigned a reading on Monday I have yet to really complete. I just don't want to. I have no interest in it. I know it's important and I know I need to do it for class. But I just can't do it. When I start to work on it, I fall asleep or I get distracted or I can't get my mind to shut up long enough for me to just sit down and read the damn thing. I don't know why that is.

For example, my eating habits are getting habitually worse. I think this has a great deal to do with the overall effort it takes to go and get 'real food' (heavy quotes, since it is dormitory dining). In order to get 'real food', I have to go down three flights of stairs and walk half a block to the dining hall, swipe my card, fight through the line, actually get the damn food on the plate, get out of the food area without someone crashing into me and spilling shit everywhere, find a place to sit, etc. Then there is the added stress of talking to whomever it is I happen to be sitting with because if I just go by myself, I am obviously suicidal. And sad. Which I already knew, but that is not an allowed image to convey at college. This whole talking-to-people thing is MORE than reason enough for me to not want to go get dinner. If I can avoid socializing with more than five people (especially if they are not pre-established friends) at the same time, then fuck! I'm gonna do it! Why do you think I don't go to parties? Social situations are flippin' petrifying!

It doesn't help that one of the people I am most often at dinner with is my roommate's younger brother who is, for whatever reason, completely terrified of me. I think this has a great deal to do with the fact that Chelsea is forever saying things like, 'I hope Kiri doesn't get mad at me for doing this' (a statement she has WILLINGLY admitted to saying quite, quite often). I'm not used to people being scared of me, especially not when those people are 6'7" or taller and MALE. I mean, I'm not scary. I'm not scary by ANY stretch of the imagination. Yet, for some reason, he is obscenely wary of my every move, word, thought. What the fuck am I supposed to say to this kid? 'Super-sorry dude, I promise not to beat you with a rusty umbrella'?? I mean, shit! I can't work like this.

Is it so wrong to want to just sit in your room and listen to music all day?

I don't know. I know I'm an absolute mess right now. I'm still trying to deal with things that have been pestering me for the better part of a year. I'm still trying to get a full night's sleep. I'm still trying to accept the fact that the people who practically raised me are about to die (which is causing me a VAST number of existential crises, particularly when I'm trying to fall asleep {see #2 above}). And all the while, I'm trying to remember that this, too, shall pass and it's a transitionary time and soon I'll be in the promise land with all those I love the most (except my folks, who will hopefully have moved to the promise land of Denver and be drinking mojito's with Paige's mum) and that things have to get worse before they get better, that's just how life is. But at the same time, I feel like all this is pointless. And stupid. And kind of cruel.

And the IRS is threatening to audit me for 'an electronic filing error'.

And the grad students are treating me like shit for being young.

And my best friend is over there or up there or far away.

And I'm down here.

And that whole bored, sad, alone thing is just getting thicker and thicker the longer I'm here.

And I just don't want to be nice right now. Or meet new people. Or do new things.

Is there a pill for that?

I used to write interesting, clever things. I used to be entertaining. Now I'm just...blah.

BLAH.

we clean up and now it's time to learn

today i feel: lonesome, but okay
today i'm hearing: james k polk -- they might be giants
today i'm thinking: i could probably maybe get used to this some day

It is 11.13 and I am already done with my first day of classes. Rejoice!

Another girl beat me to the punch, so I don't get to stage manage Midsummer, even if Schnauzer doesn't cast me. But I have arranged to steal the ASM position if I don't get a part, so I'm kind of excited about that. I haven't ASMed since Urinetown; I don't want to get too rusty. However, I may be stage managing Raisin in the Sun come spring (Segun! Box set! Very few sound cues! My faith in good karma is completely restored), so at least I won't spend next semester too bored. Excitement.

Unfortunately, I'll probably be backstage for Christmas Story due to my need for a practicum credit. BLARGH. Ah, well. At least I don't have to deal with Pusan.

I made sun tea. It's not as sweet as I wanted it, but it tastes pretty good. I also went to Schnucks for macaroni salad, which I am currently decimating straight from the carton. I am such a healthy and attractive individual.

My room is all set up and still relatively clean! I'm excited about this. Unfortunately, our new lack of counter space means I need to do dishes already, but otherwise I kind of like the room. It's a bit bigger than my old one, and there's a lot of floor space. I don't feel quite so cramped, which is lovely. I don't know if I'm acclimating to the difference of people, though. I mean, I was starting to get used to Paiga being so flippin' far away (begrudgingly, but still getting used to it), but this new lack of Clarky and Randy and people in the dorms and Paige and distractions... That's rubbing me very much the wrong way.

Blargh. Loneliness is better when you're not alone.

Today, I need to go work out stuff with my online class and write my personal statement for tutoring. I should probably also send Ambassadors a line, letting them know I'm not dead or anything. But it's the first day and my panic mode is still very far from setting in. I can already sense that this will be a problem.

Especially when Douglas Adams is giving me goo-goo eyes from the corner and demanding I open up his silky pages and see how Arthur Dent and Fenchurch are doing.

really?

today i feel: cranky
today i'm hearing: the washing machine
today i'm thinking: is it next saturday yet? or, like, next year yet?

It's not quite nine thirty yet.

I've been up for an hour already.

During that time, I've been snapped at by my da...three or four times? That sounds about right.

I just want to hole up in my room and study for a good six or seven hours. But no. My grandfather called (which is why I've been up for an hour), and we're going to lunch. With him. And my grandmother. At Top's China Buffet.

I don't know when yet. I went upstairs to figure out when and discovered that, while we started out real strong discussing when we were going to lunch, my parents got distracted looking for recipes in the bowels of the kitchen bookshelf that no one knows about except maybe Paige and were forever lost to figuring out what time we're going to lunch.

So now I'm down here. Attempting to make myself put real pants on.

Or shower.

Or move.

But my door doesn't close.

And my incentive is low.

And I just really don't like real pants anyway.

So I'm whining instead.

Happy Saturday, Kiri. Bloomington appreciates you.

pulled the covers back over your head

today i feel: sleepy
today i'm hearing: american justice on a&e
today i'm thinking: i need a hobby or something

Today, I am puppy sitting. That's right: puppy. He's pretty much the most adorable thing I've ever seen in my entire life.





I'm kind of in love with him. He pees a lot and usually inside the house, but he's also got a pretty intense bacteria infection and worms. I think it's perfectly excusable at the moment. So we just pick him up and toss him outside and clean up the carpet if he makes a mess. No big. He doesn't have a name just yet, but we'll probably call him Fozzy. It works pretty well.

I'm supposed to be studying for physiology, but I'm having a massive issue with concentration. After my dismal test grade last Friday, I just can't bring myself to work on it anymore and it's launching me into a ridiculously upsetting existential crisis of sorts where I wonder if this really is all that there is to life and what's the point in continuing on it, anyway? But then I start getting freaked out about what death is like and what happens after you die and what if nothing happens, what if we just stop and then I start hyperventilating and tearing up and THIS IS ALL CAUSED BY PHYSIOLOGY. ...Really?

I think the psychologically healthy thing to do is to just watch A&E and doze off and pray that the puppy doesn't pee on my face to wake me up.

I had a really good weekend. Spent a shitton of time with Randy, which was awesome, especially considering the lack of time we've had the past couple of visits. The show went pretty well despite some shakiness, and I got to meet his mum (which was awesome), and we went to a movie and an improv show and it was really, really nice. There was also a good deal of Full House watching. I have a sudden appreciation for the programme that I cannot even begin to explain.

And now I'm back home again and back in the whole not-wanting-to-go-to-school slump. Blargh.

Puppy's up and eating my computer cord. Adorable doom.

sometimes these things are necessary

today i feel: suddenly bad
today i'm hearing: lem chowing down in the corner
today i'm thinking: am i bipolar??

Firstly, let me say that today has been predominantly good except for taking my test this morning and right now when I found out the results of said test. Please understand that.

Secondly, let me say that these moments of emoness are rather necessary in a teenager's life, which I still technically am for another twelve hours. Therefore, I don't have to feel bad for these things until said twelve hours have passed, and even then I'll probably find another excuse for this sort of thing (I'm guessing 'it's that time of the month' will be one of the permanent options).

Thirdly, let me say that I am getting this out of my system before tomorrow because, so help me G-d, I am having a fun birthday for once in my life that is fight-free and hospital-free and drama-free and devoid of dogs tackling grandmothers and feeling bad about not spending enough time with my mother. ...Damnit.

So here is it:

I am an absolute failure. I suck at everything. I will never be good at anything I try to do because I am stupid and worthless and completely devoid of purpose because G-d didn't want me to happen in the first place. I will never ever be good at anything ever. Ever.

Okay. I'm done. I'm going to go read the funny blog that Tony sent me and try to feel good about myself.

my parents, they have their religion

today i feel: pretty shitty
today i'm hearing: piano students. oh joy.
today i'm thinking: i want to leave

In an attempt to avoid ranting about family issues, I'm going to keep this rather succinct.

Life in the Palm household has been rather tumultuous since my parents return from Denver. Mum is being an even bigger bitch than usual; Da's been rather on edge (likely due to my mother's state of being); Kiri's been stressed out and panicky about her upcoming physiology exam; and I'm pretty sure everyone wants Kiri to just go back to school now kthnxbai.

I don't honestly think my mother sees me as much more than a dog sitter, entertainment for her rapidly dying parents, and something to prove that she's not completely inept at motherhood.

Currently, my current residence is overrun with hyperactive piano students. They are loud, crude, picking on the birds, and chasing my cat. You can imagine my opinion of these children. Theoretically, I'm supposed to be watching the dog (see above analysis of my mother's ideas of my purpose in life). The only problem is: I can't watch the dog when he's running all over the fuckin' house! The dog is fine, Mother! Leave me out of this!

On Saturday morning, I'm skipping town. I think this is for the best.

children begin by loving their parents

today i feel: coddled
today i'm hearing: footsteps upstairs for the first time in days
today i'm thinking: i'm already missing this past week

I just picked my parents up from the airport. Here are my mother's first words to me, prior to her even sitting down in the car:

'Why is the air-conditioning in my car cranked up all the way?!?'

Wow. And here I was actually looking forward to seeing my parents. Good thing that's gone.

i'm so proud to know you

today i feel: content
today i'm hearing: rilo kiley -- take offs and landings
today i'm thinking: my butt itches

Good Things About This Week

1. I got a new bag!!! I find it incredibly attractive and am massively excited about its existence. Even better: it fits my fucking huge stage management binders. How grand is that? Pretty damn grand, that's how!

2. My new t-shirt came in. It is comfy and cute and even fits me well. How can you ask for more?

3. I didn't get to take my physiology test due to some accidental neglect on my part. I was actually kind of bummed about that, BUT! I found out I have until 27 October to finish the class. Panicking about that has decreased greatly since this discovery. Rejoice!

4. Mum finished my new basket and it looks wonderful. I'm starting to figure out what I'm putting in it and where that stuff goes and all that. Makes me happy. I'm excited.

5. I had an orange freeze yesterday. It was delicious.

6. I also had chicken barbeque pizza and some monstrosity Coldstone Creamery created. Also delicious. It's been a good food week for the most part.

My parents are in Denver for the week so Mum can go to this conference she goes to every year. The house is kind of quiet with just me in it, but I'm feeling surprisingly okay with it. I like having quiet time. It encourages me to calm down. Always a good thing. I've been having Brian stay with me during the night because I get freaked out by my freaky house. It's been really fun spending time with him, but I think I'll go solo tomorrow night. I'm not used to sleeping with other people anymore, and I'd forgotten how often I wake up during the night when there's someone else there. That, and he punched me in the face Monday night. It was hilarious.

Lem keeps eating my wooden flowers. This needs to end.

I'm starting to pack for school, just to have something to do. It's making me get more excited about going. That's a good feeling, you know? I've been so frustrated and depressed recently; I'm glad to be eager for something, especially when that something is school. Takes a surprising amount of stress out of life.

I started reading Watchmen yesterday. It's having a definite effect on my writing. Mrph.

I've decided I'm going to tutor this semester. I need a job (desperately), and that's one with pretty flexible hours and at least a little bit of personal satisfaction involved. I'm pretty sure I'll be tutoring all theatre classes, which would be cool. I'll just have to get the reading list and course guide for THEA 101 and I'll be all set. I've got (almost) all of my old theatre books and I've done pretty well in all of those classes, so tutoring other students should be pretty easy. Besides: I already do tutor almost half of the department. This way, though, I'll get paid to do it. Hooray!

I wish I could find my pocket knife. And my Mac remote. And my other hair ties. And and and.

I really want to go see Dark Knight again. It's eating away at my soul. And Hellboy II. Someone needs to get on this. I also have a strong craving for tacos. Mmm... Tacos. I'm about to start my fourth cup of coffee today. Can you tell?

If anyone knows of a twin or full bed someone wants to get rid of in, like, a year or two, hook me up. I'm in the market.

while the world is flying by

today i feel: panicked
today i'm hearing: cat stevens -- tea for the tillerman
today i'm thinking: i will never, ever pass college

First thing's first: Dark Knight is fuckin' gorgeous. Go see it. Right now. Don't even finish reading this; go see Batman. Srsly.

And now to the panicking.

I am never, ever, ever going to finish college. Ever.

So here's the deal, right? College is cool and all. I get to live more or less by myself. I've met some really cool people (some of whom I still get to see come August). I am relatively free from my parents and/or any problems going on at home. Some of the boys and girls are quite cute. I get to do theatre. College is a pretty sweet deal; please don't think I'm saying otherwise. But college, like most things in life, is swiftly growing tedious. I am so very over college. This, I think, is predominantly due to the fact that the majority of my close friends are older than I (surprise, surprise), and thus graduating before I do. An even greater majority of them are already graduated and living bright, promising, fulfilling lives elsewhere (and even if they think they're not, they are bright, promising, and fulfilling to me). And I'd really want to get in on that. That sounds like a much sweeter deal than this whole 'college experience' nonsense that, quite frankly, I'm kind of sucking at anyway, despite anything I may write in contrived thank you cards to Presidential Scholarship donors. I'm bored with college. I'm over college. I want to do something else.

Here is the danger of the American school system: most kids are in school from <Kindergarten (especially considering the growing number of working parents in the world) until they graduate college. Straight through. That is at least 17 years of schooling. Then some crazy fucks keep going! Grad School! Goodness! Wish I had that kind of dedication. However, this creates a bit of a problem: none of these kids know how to do anything else! Sure, you've got summer jobs and shit like that, but all we've been taught is school. All we know how to do is go to school. This, I believe, is what makes the whole 'real world' nonsense so fucking scary. It's a completely new monster.

I have been in school now for fifteen years. Almost three-quarters of my life has been spent in school desks, with books and homework and projects and teachers and everything else you do with school. And it's been a good time, for the most part. And I've enjoyed it, for the most part. And I've been really good at it, for the most part. I can do school. School and I are good. And now? Now I want to know if I can be good at something else. And this desire is growing inside me like a cancer to the point where all I want to do with be done with school.

So I'm trying to get out early. Graduate in December of '09. Go to Chicago. Try to work. Fuck up. See if there's anything else outside of school. See if I'm any good. See if all that nonsense about a 'promising future' is worth a damn. This desire consumes me. I don't think about it constantly, but it definitely fills in the cracks of the thing I think about constantly so that the thing I think about constantly has someone to discuss politics and drink tea with. Oh, yeah. They're becoming great friends. That's great. We should get on that then, yeah?

The problem is: prior to tonight? I thought I was a helluva lot closer to being done than I am.

Fuck.

Fuck me.

Fuck me with something hard and sandpaper-y.

I just want to be done, you know? I just want a break. I want some new drudgery to be bogged down with. I want rent money and groceries and squabbles and bills and cat shit and conflict and new jobs new places new things ANYTHING DIFFERENT FROM SCHOOL! Please! Jesus! Is it that hard?

I never thought I'd get tired of this. I mean, I like school, remember? I'm good at it. Somedays, it's the only thing I am good at.

Rationally speaking, I know I'm being unreasonable and that I'll do fine and get done and everything will be alright. But it's really hard to remember that right now.

Jesus. I'm a failure. I'm gonna go wallow somewhere.

and then i found five dollars

today i feel: sleepy
today i'm hearing: jordan in the shower
today i'm thinking: it's fuckin' cinnamon rolls time

The fundraiser went really well last night. Hooray! We made quite a bit of money on raffle tickets alone and everyone seemed to have a good time. Randy's flight was cancelled, but he managed to get a later one and so we picked him up and he got to come for a little while anyway. I had my very first Chicago driving experience and we only nearly died once (I was trying to adjust the steering wheel and this large piece of machinery was trying to adjust my face). All in all, a pretty good experience, though I think I'll stick to driving at nighttime and avoid the day at all costs.

I think I'm bound to be the DD for the remainder of my life. I'm surprisingly comfortable with that, though it does make for a great many awkward parties where I'm sitting in a corner and not associating with anyone. But I'm not good at parties, and we all know that very, very well.

We came back to the apartment and hung out for a little while. Randy went to bed early and I went to bug him while Marina, Jordan, and Neal were hanging out. I miss getting to talk to him just one-on-one. He's a cool guy. There's a lot going on up there that I don't think a lot of people really know about or appreciate. Introspection. Solemnity. Goofiness. He's a cool kid.

I've been spending a lot of time with Neal, too. We rode up together and we're taking the train back together tonight. We've been bonding over television shows and I got to hear about some of his friends from back home. Again, a very cool guy. I know cool people. It makes me feel cool, too. Don't worry: I won't let it go to my head.

I'm not really sure what day it is anymore. I just know I don't want to go to work tomorrow morning. And I'm tired. And I want Ann Sather cinnamon rolls. And I want a big, Swedish queen to serve them to me and make faces at us when he catches awkward ends of our conversation.

And I want to see Dark Knight. And I want to cry. And I hope Erik doesn't make fun of me, but I'm pretty sure he won't. Hopefully we'll hang out tonight when I get home. We'll see.

I'm terribly close to pouncing on Marina and demanding breakfast. The time is fast approaching.